Thursday 30 July 2015

Why I would age gracefully like my parents

As we age, we tend to develop unnecessary behavior and hurt not only ourselves but also our near and dear ones. Why not accept we are getting old, behave like one and live like one gracefully? Why not modify activities and lifestyle to make people around us live comfortably? I have seen my parents and maternal grandparents getting aged gracefully and I seriously wish I could follow their footsteps...

I wish to live in my own place to enjoy independence and privacy. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. If my children want to live separately, I'll respect their decision and would never compel them to live with us. I want them to enjoy their independence and privacy like how I do mine. 

I wish to hold on to my own bank deposits and assets and probably ask my spouse also to do the same if he wishes to. I don't want to depend financially on my children. Yes, I may spend lakes and lakes on their education and upbringing, but it's my duty and my dream to make them financially sound and independent. 

I don't want to depend only on my children's promises to care for us when we grow old as their priorities change with time. I would love to have my own alternatives as it is natural for children to move away from the place and home, maybe even away from country. 

I would love to expand my circle of friends to include those who will outlive us. Who knows, we may outlive our own friends?! 

I do not want to compare ourselves or our children with others. I don't expect anything from others as well. I don't want t embarrass myself and my children by comparing them or us with others.

Most importantly, I would never ever meddle in the life of my children. Let them live their life not ours, we have lived ours and I want them to live theirs now.

I don't want to use old age as my shield and justification to demand care, respect and attention from anyone, that includes my own children and grandchildren. I would dress modestly according to my age and would never compete with my children or grandchildren.

I would listen to what others say, but think and act independently. After all, the decision always lies in our hands. I would never get influenced by what others say about me or about my children, because I trust them as much as they trust me.

I have never begged, not even from God, but I have always sought his blessings and grace. So I would never beg anything from anyone, not even from my children. We get what we deserve.

And finally, I would never want to retire from life. I would love to do what I love to do till I die - read, read and read and write, write and keep writing... Because, I have miles to go before I sleep...

p.s: I have seen how my parents are following these simple tricks and are happy. They accept the simple fact that they are getting old, yes, truly old, which simply means they are not hiding their age by coloring their grey hair or visiting a beauty parlor for facials and massages! 

Monday 27 July 2015

What parents should know about their children

Thirukkural by Tiruvalluvar ( a Tamil poet/writer/philosopher) was written more than 2000 years ago. It’s one of the ancient science on Human behaviour, which has not changed inspite of modern education & technology! It can teach a lot of things to parents and realize where they have gone wrong in bringing up their children.

1. If your child lies to you often, it is because you over-react too harshly to their inappropriate behavior. 
2. If your child is not taught to confide in you about their mistakes, you’ve lost them. 
3. If your child had poor self-esteem, it is because you advice them more than you encourage them. 
4. If your child does not stand up for themselves, it is because from a young age you have disciplined them regularly in public.
5. If your child takes things that do not belong to them, it is because when you buy them things, you don’t let them chose what they want. 
6. If your child is cowardly, it is because you help them too quickly. 
7. If your child does not respect other people’s feelings, it is because instead of speaking to your child, you order and command them. 
8. If your child is too quick to anger, it is because you give too much attention to misbehaviour and you give little attention to good behaviour. 
9. If your child is excessively jealous, it is because you only congratulate them when they successfully complete something and not when they improve at something even if they don’t successfully complete it. 
10. If your child intentionally disturbs you, it is because you are not physically affectionate enough. 
11. If your child is openly defiant, it is because you openly threaten to do something but don’t follow through. 
12. If your child is secretive, it is because they don’t trust that you won’t blow things out of proportion. 
13. If your child talks back to you, it is because they watch you do it to others and think its normal behaviour.
14. If your child doesn’t listen to you but listens to others, it is because you are too quick to jump to conclusions.
15. If your child rebels it is because they know you care more about what others think than what is right.

Sunday 26 July 2015

Why I want to be like my mom

No matter what, I would have never eloped!

"Look to her, Moor, if thou hast eyes to see
She has deceived her father, and may thee," Brabantio spitefully warns Othello that his daughter Desdemona, who eloped and secretly married him, may betray him one day. Who can forget these famous lines, which led to the tragic end of not only Desdemona, but also Othello himself. It is these lines which haunted Othello and brought the downfall. Had he not eloped with Desdemona, had he not paid attention to Brabantio's warning, had he not listened to Iago, had he not doubted Desdemona, had, had, had, so many ifs and hads just because of one small, but a major mistake...

Let me come back to the point, I'm yet to meet a person who has eloped and has never regretted his/her decision to do so. No matter what, I would have never eloped, even if that meant I would be with the person I loved the most. I still remember my senior's incident and would recommend others also to never elope against their parents wish. 

My senior, who was studying Philosophy, was three years elder to a guy who was studying Sociology, and love is blind as they say and age never came between them! Belonging to two different castes, both had to face stiff resistance from their respective families. It was fun to see these couple and we offered whatever help we could in those days. During my final year PG, the couple decided to tie the knot secretly without informing either of the families, and they were successful in doing it. 

I almost forgot them after my PG and one day suddenly I bumped into her in Bangalore after 3-4 years. She had lost faith in life, faith on people, had attempted to end her life… When I asked about her married life, she burst out into tears and said they got separated two years ago! He being younger to her had lost interest in her soon after the wedding. He even convinced her to abort their child twice and she accepted to lose her pregnancy to save her marriage… 

Very soon his eyes fell on a rich single woman whose husband was working in Dubai. Even before getting the divorce, he had deserted his wife to marry that rich woman! All this happened within no time and his parents kicked him out of the house in support of their daughter-in-law. They were even ready to give his share of property to her but couldn’t do so as his two elder brothers opposed it. She had no choice but to leave the house and go to Bangalore in search of a job, as she had lost her greedy husband to some other woman. 

I was in love with a guy then, who is my present hubby, when I met her in Bangalore and she was in all tears. When she learnt about my love, all she said was, "No matter what, don't elope with him if your or his parents do not accept your relationship. Today you may think he deserves you, but tomorrow you'll regret your decision. No person deserves us so much that we bring such a disgrace on ourselves and our parents. Time may heal everything, even parents may forgive you one day, but the black mark of eloping with a guy or a girl will never erase from your life..." I had laughed at her then.

She's right, nobody is worth of it. I would never imagine myself eloping with my present hubby, who was my boyfriend then. I convinced my parents, especially my mom who never liked the idea of her daughter getting married to someone who was from a different caste, state and culture... My brother, though younger than me four years, had only one thing to say me always: "If you fall in love with anyone, please tell us openly. Never ever think of eloping with him. We will get you married to him even if we don't like him." He had seen some of his classmates eloping with guys and how their parents suffered. 

When we were still students, one of our neighbors had eloped with a minor girl. Later when cops found them after three months, the girl was pregnant and she had to wait in the remand home to legally wed that guy and when she had crossed eight months!

Moreover, when we were children, we had seen how one of dad's friends had decided to end his life when his daughter eloped with a guy. She was dumped by that guy after a week, robbing her of all the jewels and money, and she returned home. But by that time she came back, the news had spread like wildfire and it took several years to get her married off to a suitable guy. But when her husband's family learnt about her past, they threw her away. Her father had to keep her as well as her husband by giving some land and a house at his place! Whenever they have a fight, her husband taunts her by saying she had eloped with her boyfriend and people make fun of her parents that their daughter had eloped wit some guy before her wedding! 

When I was teaching in Bangalore, I used to see how young girls, as young as Class 11 and Class 12 girls, having affairs. I had heard how other girls helped such affairs in the name of friendship. I should mention an incident here which one of my senior colleagues had told me when I had joined the college for teaching. She had asked me to look at each face while taking attendance to avoid any trouble, if any, in future. When asked the reason, she told me about proxy attendance and how it could land teachers in trouble, bring bad reputation to college and put the lives of innocent girls in risk. 

A Class 11 girl who was in love with an auto driver had eloped with him and her friends, without any knowledge of it had given proxy attendance for 3-4 days. When missing complaint was lodged by her parents, cops came in search of her and the attendance register said she was present in the classroom and it is then that her friends accepted that they gave proxy attendance whenever a friend was not present. It was a mutual understanding between themselves to avoid unnecessary fuss during the year-end, which meant if there was a shortage of attendance he college would not give them hall ticket to write the exam! It's another matter that the cops fished out that girl and the auto driver dumped her and she had to join another college to save her face, but the incident was an eye opener and had set an example for lecturers and students alike. 

When I had seen so much around me how could I ever think of eloping with a guy? I couldn't even dream of bringing disgrace to my family. I didn't want my parents to bow their heads in shame in society. Had I done that mistake in my life, I would have never been able to look at my face even in the mirror, let alone show it to others and pretend nothing has ever happened! Thankfully, I never breached the trust of my parents and I successfully convinced my parents to marry the guy I loved and he also took painstaking two years to convince his parents for our wedding. Had any of our parents had not accepted our love, today we would have not been married to each other, I would have sacrificed him, not because I did not love him truly, but because I never wanted to elope with him!

Friday 24 July 2015

Yes, he's henpecked!

He's a proud henpecked husband. He is always attached to the strings of his wife's sari. He blindly follows her orders, no matter what. He has no self respect or self judgment. He believes the crow is white if wife says so, goes into petty quarrels if wife asks him to. He hates those who disobey his wife and outrightly calls them dirty, uncivilized and arrogant!

He can go to any extent to please his wife. He is under her control but advises his sons to control their wives, maybe wants to see at least his sons controlling their wives! He does all household chores to please his wife, but advises sons to make their wives to do all the household chores. He tells the world that sons do all the household chores while their wives laze around. He readily sheds crocodile tears when confronted, his and his wife's evergreen method of emotional blackmail that always makes sons to obey their orders.

He tells his friends and relatives how he and his wife treat all the sons and their wives equally, all are equal in his Animal Farm! But in reality, some are more equal than others... He loves the elder son, wife loves the younger son and he has no other go but to love the younger son, no matter what he does, even if that means bringing disgrace to his family.

He blames his son's wife if his son drinks alcohol, but supports consuming alcohol when he discovers  his wife supporting his relatives indulging in it, by saying drinking alcohol once in a while is good for health. He supports his wife, who thinks a woman is never pregnant if she doesn't suffer morning sickness and a woman can never have a miscarriage without back pain!

He loves to keep a tab on the activities of his sons and their wives, maybe because he couldn't do it on his wife as she was a Gulf widow! He wants sons to report everything to his wife, from earnings to savings to holidaying... He supports his wife when she says her son's wife should not visit her parents frequently, but she herself often visits her parental home. He says his sons should live together when he himself doesn't live together with his brothers.

He wants his wife to be a queen, controlling the household, including financial aspects, but wants all his sons to have a firm hold on the finances of their wives as well... He thinks once married, a girl is his family's property, that includes all her jewels, property and salary. He wants his sons' wives to be meek, silent and obedient to his and his wife's whims and fancies. He hates when others question his wife's decisions, after all, he's one henpecked husband and what more can one expect from him?!

Thursday 23 July 2015

'You're cooking up stories', they say if you tell the truth!

Honesty is a very expensive gift, don't expect it from cheap people, said Warren Buffett. True, we should never expect it from cheap and dirty people who are not ready to face the truth and love to live in the world of lies... After all we live in a society which is worse than George Orwell's Animal Farm, where all are equal, but some are more equal than others! Plus, nobody wants the truth, all they want is sweet lies and it is why Orwell said back then that the further a society drifts from truth the more it will hate those who speak it...

They hate me, but pretend to love my son!

They hate me and the funniest part is they pretend to love my son, who is my photocopy in looks and behavior! Is this what they say poetic justice?? Hmm, maybe... We cannot choose our parents and siblings, but we can definitely choose our husband and in-laws. If we are not careful in choosing a right soulmate our life is screwed, as 90 percent of our happiness and misery solely depends on this single decision. When I took a wrong decision and it was time to produce a child, all I could do was pray to Him that he never resembles anyone whom I hate. And He did answer my prayers by giving me a baby who completely resembles me and this is what their punishment could be. They hate to see me, but see what He did to them, he gave me a child who is my photocopy and every time they see him or pretend to shower love on him, they see my face in him! What I couldn't achieve in the past eight years has been achieved by my son in just 10 months... Since I and my son can never forget or forgive them for whatever they have done to us, we are thanking Him for giving us this opportunity. Yes, patience pays!

Tuesday 21 July 2015

How my in-laws tried to push me into postpartum depression

This is gonna be an exclusive dedicated chapter in my memoir... Keep an eye for that to come very soon...

Why my son deserved a better family

Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what... And all he has got is a family filled with people who are greedy and fake relationships... His father married me against his parents' swish. His elder uncle divorced his wife, because she refused to be a slave to his parents. His younger uncle eloped with a girl and secretly married her. His grandparents are even greater... One asked if he was really their grandson and wanted the proof and the other sent him copper and brass bangles as first gift! He has got such a family that when my son grows up, he'll regret for being born into such a family and for having such relatives... I'm waiting to hear the expected explanations his father will give him and try to convince him like how he's been doing since I married him! For sure, my son deserved a better family and don't know why God cheated him in this way...

Wednesday 15 July 2015