My latest Being a mom... in Sakhi magazine. Here's the link:
Sunday 15 November 2015
Monday 9 November 2015
Are you around 25 years? You are waiting to get married to that Prince Charming and bump into a guy, okay a good looking if not handsome like Salman or Hrithik. He makes you feel that he's the one, the right guy, made for you, sent from the heaven. He weaves a dream world with his promises. You trust him so much that even if your parents, especially your mom, sense something wrong about the guy, you convince them that he's a nice guy and you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
So you both talk over the phone always, literally always, for more than 8-9 hours a day, in fact, you sleep less and talk more over the phone. You are completely smitten by him, ready to do anything and everything for him. You are ready to sacrifice your hobbies and passion, whether it's writing a novel or a blog or dancing or singing. You don't stop just there, he impresses you in such away that you are even ready to quit your job. What's the need for a job after marrying him? He earns well and makes you feel that you are his responsibility and never a burden. You trust him, yes, blindly trust him and give in.
You are floating in the dreamland, you feel like you are a bird flying high and high. The wedding is fixed, and no one can stop you and your joy knows no limit. You have your own aspirations and wishes regarding the marriage. You want yourself to look the best on your D-day. You purchase nice saris, nice dresses, nice jewels and hire nice makeup artist to decorate you for the occasion.
You discuss everything with the guy, from the color of your sari to the jewels you would be wearing. And when you know it's a custom that the bridegroom's family has to present a sari for the wedding or the reception, you request the guy to get a sari of your favorite color. The guy cleverly says that he can't sadden his mom by refusing her choice of color for the sari. Though you love pink or light blue or maroon, you end up wearing a dark green or a dark blue or a magenta color sari, the choice of either the guy's mom or his cousins. When he knows you are upset about the color of the sari, he promises to buy you a sari of your favorite color, but with a condition: you should never tell anybody in his family that he bought a sari for her, because he doesn't want to hurt his mom or cousins! You silently agree...
You are looking good with the makeup and waiting to enter the Mandap to get married and one of his cousins asks you if you are wearing your mom's jewels as they look old fashioned. You nod your head silently and the cousin says that the jewels are not matching the sari and should have bought something else. You ignore her comments and throw a smile at her.
At last you get married and enter his house to start a new journey, a new life. His cousins are still in the house and your mother-in-law seems to be very fond of them. She quotes their example for each and everything making you feel wrong at everything, wrong in dress sense, wrong in makeup, wrong in cooking, wrong in sleeping habits, wrong in everything!
Cousins continue to mock at your jewels even after the wedding. They taunt you by asking if they are original or fake ones, why they are old fashioned, why they are light weight, why they are dull and so on. Your mother-in-law joins them and makes fun of you, your mother and father. You listen to them silently, patiently, as you don't want to be rude to them, as it's still your first day in the house.
Slowly, you get to see their true nature. Mother-in-law is greedy, father-in-law is henpecked and husband is an obedient son, who trusts his parents blindly. He's so blind that he laughs at you when his parents physically and mentally torture you in front of him. Father-in-law is so shameless that he talks to you by touching you either at your back or holding your wrist. He praises his wife and insults you in front of his family and relatives. He roams half naked even in front of you and your husband supports his father's behavior.
Your husband's cousins keep a tab on your Facebook activities and regularly show them to your in-laws. Your mother-in-law mocks at you for wearing skirts or jeans and attending parties. If those cousins wear similar dresses your in-laws praise them. You can't even have friendship with those who have the habit of drinking alcohol, because your in-laws question your upbringing, but any of their relatives drink, they laugh and say drinking alcohol once in a while is good for health. You are fed up seeing their double standards but choose to keep quiet, because every now and then you are reminded by your husband that they are his parents and have all the right to say whatever they feel like.
You wonder where did all those promises made to you before the wedding vanish? You wonder if he's the same person whom you wanted to marry, for whom you gave up your job and hobbies. Still you remain silent, because somewhere you feel that things might fall to their place and you should not take any hasty decision.
Your husband comes to know that you have lakhs of rupees in your account and he humbly asks you if he can use it and pay you back later. You feel embarrassed and give your debit card to him. He uses your money to fulfill the wishes of his parents and splurges on them to buy new things. Your mother-in-law praises her son for buying new things and tells all neighbors that you didn't take any dowry and you are eating her son's salary. You are surprised hearing it and confront your husband and ask if he's not told his mother that he's buying new things to the family in her money. Husband gets upset and screams that it's not her money, but their money. If he tells his mother that he's using wife's savings it would hurt his ego and hurt his mother as well. You agree and remain silent, for after all he's your husband and you think it's really our money, not just your money.
As days pass by you realize that your husband has lost his job and he had taken a loan for his studies and the whole burden of clearing it is on his head. Your mother-in-law keeps taunting you that you should seek your dad's help in clearing the loan and after much though and mental harassment you budge and get money from your dad. You want to pay the installment and your father-in-law wants all the money you got from your dad to be transferred to his account and you silently agree. Your mother-in-law asks you to hand over your jewels to pledge and take a loan to clear another loan taken on the house and you silently agree.
In spite of all these, your mother-in-law is not satisfied. She keeps torturing you for money. In a bid to torture you she asks her son to sleep in her room and makes you to sleep alone. She orders her son not to sleep with you! To get rid of you she hatches a plot to kill you, but fails in her attempt. She pretends to shower love on you in front of her son and in his absence treats you like a slave.
When you conceive, she doesn't even bother that she's becoming a grandmother, all she wants from you and your family is money and gold. To make you get more money and gold from your parents she locks you up in your room, which has no attached bathroom, and keeps you hungry and thirsty whole day. You take your medicines without water and are forced to vomit and urinate in the room, as one cannot control puking and urinating during pregnancy.
If you return the money or gold given by your parents, your mother-in-law will become a beast by pushing you down and killing your baby even before it sees the world. She orders her son not to help you and your husband obeys his mother and you are left alone bleeding. Nobody is concerned about the death of the baby, not even your husband, who was supposed to be a father in a few more months. He supports his mother even in this act. He openly says that whatever his parents do is correct, even if they are wrong, they are correct!
Your husband thinks that you should never reveal the family matters to others, neither by writing a novel or through blogs or by sharing it with parents. He feels that once a girl is married, she should forget her parents. He says forget parents, but not their money and gold, they should keep giving them as and when demanded.
You spend years and years and there's no change in the attitude or behavior of your husband and his parents. You have had enough, you feel like a puppet, a lifeless object, having lost your own identity and existence. They have examined your level of patience and this time, one last time, you sum up your courage and rebel against them. You raise your voice against them. You question them. You question their demands and behavior. You refuse to bring any money and jewels from your parents. You think it's time to leave them. You feel there no need for such a spineless husband who questions your character and asks how you got pregnant in the first place. You decide to leave back everything and everyone and go away.
You leave the house and husband and the past behind and want to move ahead. But is it that easy? If you have faced any of these situations, then you can easily identify yourself with Meera, the protagonist of Avantika Debnath's debut novel - 'The Bridal Pyre: Nainam Dahati Pavakah' (2015). If you haven't faced anything like this, consider yourself very very lucky. But don't ever dare to call her a lier, for it's not a fiction. This is happening in your house, in your neighboring house, in your relatives' house, in your friends' house, it's just happening around you, all you have to do is open your eyes and see it and accept it.
There are several Meeras in the society who have become scapegoats in the name of wedding and dowry. Everyday, every minute one or the other woman becomes the victim of dowry death in India and it's very unfortunate that people are mum about this burning issue. Women who dare to come out in public are mentally harassed and are called liers, fingers are raised on her character. Instead of sympathizing and supporting the victims, her family, relatives, friends and the society always try to point out her mistakes.
Nainam chindanti sastrani
Sunday 8 November 2015
Sunday 1 November 2015
Every sentence in this article rings so true and memories gush in, reminding me of the shame I felt and the excuses I always use. Wish I had one such friend who could have felt like the friend of this victim writer. For those of us who are facing a Domestic Violence, most of our behavior can be explained in this one article…
This Is Why I Didn’t Tell You He Was Beating Me