Daughters to inherit fathers’ self acquired, inherited properties, to get preference over others: SC

 In a significant verdict, the Supreme Court on Thursday said the daughters of a male Hindu, dying intestate, would be entitled to inherit the self-acquired and other properties obtained in the partition by the father and get preference over other collateral members of the family.

In a significant verdict, the Supreme Court on Thursday said the daughters of a male Hindu, dying intestate, would be entitled to inherit the self-acquired and other properties obtained in the partition by the father and get preference over other collateral members of the family.

The judgement, which came on an appeal against the Madras High Court verdict, dealt with the property rights of Hindu women and widows under the Hindu Succession Act.

“If a property of a male Hindu dying intestate (without a will) is a self-acquired property or obtained in the partition of a coparcenary or a family property, the same would devolve by inheritance and not by survivorship, and a daughter of such a male Hindu would be entitled to inherit such property in preference to other collaterals (such as sons/daughters of brothers of deceased father),” a bench of justices S Abdul Nazeer and Krishna Murari said.

The bench was dealing with the legal issue concerning the right of the daughter to inherit the self-acquired property of her father, in the absence of any other legal heir.

Justice Murari, writing the 51-page judgment for the bench, also dealt with the question of whether such property will devolve on to the daughter upon the death of her father, who died without a will, by inheritance or shall devolve on to “father’s brother’s son by survivorship”.

“Right of a widow or daughter to inherit the self-acquired property or share received in the partition of a coparcenary property of a Hindu male dying intestate is well recognized not only under the old customary Hindu Law but also by various judicial pronouncements...,” the verdict said.

Referring to the legal provision, it said the legislative intent was to remedy the limitation of a Hindu woman who could not claim an absolute interest in the properties inherited by her but only had a life interest in the estate so inherited.

“Section 14 (I) converted all limited estates owned by women into absolute estates and the succession of these properties in the absence of a will or testament would take place in consonance with Section 15 of the Hindu Succession Act, 1956...,” it said.

If a female Hindu dies intestate without leaving any issue, then the property inherited by her from her father or mother would go to the heirs of her father whereas the property inherited from her husband or father-in-law would go to the heirs of the husband, it said.

“The basic aim of the legislature in enacting Section 15(2) (of the Hindu Succession Act) is to ensure that inherited property of a female Hindu dying issueless and intestate, goes back to the source,” it said.

Dealing with the facts of the case, the bench set aside the trial court and the high court’s findings dismissing the partition suit of the daughters.

The apex court said, “...since the property in question was admittedly the self-acquired property of a father despite the family being in a state of jointness upon his death intestate, his sole surviving daughter will inherit the same by inheritance and the property shall not devolve by survivorship.

“Thus, the impugned judgement and decree dated March 01, 1994, passed by the Trial Court and confirmed by the High Court vide judgment and order dated January 21, 2009, are not liable to be sustained and are hereby set aside,” it said. 

(Source: Republic World)

Christian women in Kerala still denied the right to inherit property, here’s why

Except among a few coastal communities in southern Kerala, families belonging to different Christian denominations deny women’s right to ancestral property.

When Soniya Thomas, who belongs to a Syrian Christian family in Kerala’s Kannur district, got married in 2010, her father spent around Rs 13 lakh, which included 30 sovereigns of gold and Rs 5 lakh in cash. This was deemed to be her full and final inheritance from her father’s property as per a tradition common to Christian communities across denominations in Kerala. When her father passed away without leaving behind a will, his property became intestate and, as per custom, the Rs 1 crore estate was shared between Soniya’s two brothers.

Ancestral property provides security to many women who want to leave a marriage or choose a life without depending on someone else. Soniya, who wants to leave an abusive relationship, feels insecure to go back to her house as she has no rights there. “I’m not able to stay with my husband now, I’m being mentally tortured by his family. I’m not allowed to go to work, I’m forbidden to go out to meet friends or family. When my father died, I was not allowed to stay at my house even for a day. I’m treated like a slave. But I have no place to go. My two brothers share the ancestral property, they will not give me any. Where will I go with my 3 children?” Soniya breaks down, adding that she has no rights over the home she was born and brought up in.

The tradition of male heirs distributing intestate properties among themselves has persisted despite being outlawed more than three decades ago. Soniya hasn’t heard about the landmark 1986 Supreme Court judgement in the Mary Roy v. State Of Kerala case. Through this judgement, the apex court repealed the Travancore Christian Succession Act, 1916 and brought all Christians under the Indian Succession Act of 1925.

The Indian Succession Act says that intestate properties, that is properties where the owner fails to leave behind a written will, shall be distributed equally among all the children after deducting the one-third share of the widow. But if the father wrote a will to give his property only to his sons, it cannot be contested in court.

Except for a few coastal communities in southern Kerala such as the Latin Catholics that are matriarchal, families belonging to different Christian denominations deny womens’ right to ancestral property. While in recent times there are families that divide property equally, they are an exception.

Sheena, another woman from a Syrian Catholic family, explains how she has been labelled a “troublemaker” by her brothers as well as her parents for asking for a share in the ancestral property.

“I’m the only one among my seven siblings who doesn’t have a house or a decent income. Everyone else got land from our ancestral property. The gold given to me was just one-tenth of what everyone else got. My sister-in-law is not at all happy with me visiting my parents. My family says I was sent off with my share when they married me off. I used to ask my father what makes me different from his other children, the gender?” she asks.

For many families, dowry is just an excuse to deny women their rightful share of the family property.

Mary, a 70-year-old unmarried woman from Kannur’s Thaliparamba, died last year at an old age home. A nun who took care of her says, “She had three brothers. They each own four acres of land, transferred to them by their father. She had a sister who became a nun; she was not left a single penny from her parents. Mary stayed with one of her brothers with a lot of difficulties, and one day he kicked her out. So dowry is just an excuse to not give property to women, because nothing is given even if she is unmarried.”

Seeing nothing wrong with the brazenly patriarchal custom, Kurien Thomas, an 80-year-old Syrian Catholic from Kozhikode who is a farmer by profession, says, “Basically we do not want our property to get into the hands of other families. After women are married off, they become a part of another family, they take a different family name. We also give dowry so that she will be taken care of. Also her husband will possess property from his ancestors.”

Women and property rights under law

Property inheritance for women has always been a fraught issue in the subcontinent irrespective of religion. In 1948 a committee headed by Dr BR Ambedkar, the country’s first Law Minister, drafted a revised form of the Hindu Code Bill. One of the main features of the Bill was that daughters were to be given a share of the inheritance along with sons after the demise of parents, and widows shall have complete rights over the husband’s property. But there was huge opposition to the Bill.

Even Congress leaders who were identified as liberal, such as Rajendra Prasad and Govind Ballabh Pant, ardently opposed the Bill. Sarojini Naidu threatened to go on an indefinite hunger strike if it was not dropped. Many other Congress leaders put pressure on Jawaharlal Nehru to defer it.

Syama Prasad Mukherjee, then Minister for Industry and Supply in Jawaharlal Nehru’s cabinet, did not object to it when he was in the cabinet, but opposed it heavily in 1951 saying it would tamper with Hindu tradition. Ambedkar resigned from his post in September 1951 in protest over Parliament stalling the draft Bill. But the Bill was resubmitted in 1952 in different forms, where Nehru split them into four parts; subsequently the Hindu Marriage Act, Hindu Succession Act, Hindu Minority and Guardianship Act, and Hindu Adoptions and Maintenance Act were passed during his tenure between 1956 and 1957.

While this was the case for Hindu women, Christian inheritance practices have links to canon law. The Book of Genesis in the Bible says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

A senior priest from Kottayam who sought anonymity explains, “In fact, this verse from the Bible gives superiority to the woman. But the meaning has been inverted to support patriarchy, suggesting that she fully leaves behind all her property and her home and merges with her husband, and that she cannot have anything of her own. That the man remains in his house with his parents whereas the woman leaves hers to serve the husband’s family. What an irony!”

The first laws on intestate succession in Christian communities were the Travancore Christian Succession Act, 1916 (Regulation II of 1092) in the erstwhile Travancore state and the Cochin Christian Succession Act, 1921 and the Indian Succession Act, 1865, which was later amended to the Indian Succession Act, 1925. In fact, these three laws were followed in three regions of Kerala: Travancore (South), Cochin State (Central) and Malabar (North). Even after Kerala state was formed, these laws continued to guide succession of ancestral properties.

According to the Travancore Christian Succession Act, passed by the princely state of Travancore, the intestate’s property passes on to son or sons equally; there is no mention of daughters. It also says that a daughter’s dowry should be one-fourth a son’s share or Rs 5,000, whichever is lesser. However, the Cochin Christian Succession Act, passed by the erstwhile state of Cochin, directed that a woman can inherit property if she is not given dowry.

As per Indian secular law or the Succession Act of 1865, there was no separate mention about sons and daughters if the father died intestate. It says the property will be inherited by children of the deceased, which means both sons and daughters are entitled to get the property. Mainly Hindus in the Malabar region followed this. There were hardly any Christians in the region and consequently no special law of inheritance was designed for the community.

Christianity in Kerala began with the visit of St Thomas, a disciple of Jesus Christ, in AD 52. St Thomas primarily travelled in central and southern Kerala, and established seven churches. That is how Christians are mainly located in these regions.

A majority of Christians in the north or Malabar follow the Syro-Malabar Church and are relatively recent migrants to the region. Mostly agriculturists, they started migrating from Travancore and Cochin to Kozhikode, Kannur, Wayanad and Calicut, as fertile land was abundant and cheaply available. Naturally, they brought with them the customs followed in Travancore and Cochin, down to property inheritance practices.

It was in 1986 that the Supreme Court in Mary Roy v. State of Kerala repealed the Travancore and Cochin Christian Succession Regulations. Since then, Christians are bound to follow the inheritance under the Indian Succession Act, 1925. As per the law a Christian daughter has no pre-existing right to the family property, but she has rights when her parents die intestate. So if the father’s will gives the family property only to his sons, it cannot be questioned in court.

“After the Mary Roy case, families started preparing wills in advance so that the property goes just to sons,” says Kerala Women’s Commission Chairperson P Sathidevi.

The 1925 act also says that a daughter-in-law has no right of succession to the estate of her intestate father-in-law. So practically women have no rights over any ancestral property.

Patriarchal system

Though the laws have been repealed, the patriarchal system followed by the community still gives no place for women in most homes.

In Christian communities, aged parents are ashamed to live with their daughters as their tradition is to live with the youngest son. “Whatever happens they won’t stay with their daughter’s family. It’s considered an insult. Even if they are not comfortable staying with the son and his family, they stick to the tradition,” says a young priest from Ernakulam.

In the case of nuns, they are not allowed to own property or have money. Even if they work and earn a salary, the money goes to the congregation. However, male priests in many congregations are allowed to handle money. They can even buy a vehicle or phone from their personal assets.

A senior nun, who is 70, recalls, “My father was not so rich, we were seven siblings and he had eight acres of land. He gave 1.5 acres of land each to my four brothers and the youngest got the ancestral home. Since my two sisters were not married when the will was written, they were given 25 cents of land each, which is one-sixth of what my brothers got. I was left with nothing as I became a nun. Without any personal money to my name, I had to take the help of relatives to buy even small things, like a watch or a phone.”

Even after the primitive laws were repealed, a majority of Christian families are not ready to change.

“How can an ordinary woman like me go to court and fight a long battle all alone? I have three children to look after. 

To get my rightful share, I will have to fight my brothers. No one will support me, as it’s a tradition that Christian women are not supposed to get any share,” Soniya says.

Sr Jesme, a former nun, activist and writer who has spoken against the ill-practices in Christianity, says that even well-educated, progressive Christians follow the tradition of not giving the women in their families a share of the ancestral property. Stressing on the role of awareness rather than laws to wipe out these evil practices, Sr Jesme adds, “Today we speak a lot about equality and gender rights in education. So why don’t we create awareness about these laws at a young age? Why can’t lessons about rights be included in the school syllabus? Let the change begin at home.”

However, Sathidevi feels that it is the law that has to be changed. “One can give their property to whomever they want. Since this is the age-old tradition, most families prefer to follow it. So there has to be a policy or a law that provides equality to women in property distribution. Dowry is banned and cannot be practised, so that cannot be an excuse. If there is a partition of the family property, then women should get an equal share,” she says. She adds that more discussion is needed around this issue.

In August 2020, a Supreme Court verdict upheld the equal rights of Hindu women over ancestral property. But legal experts then opined that the verdict has less impact in Kerala as equality is already being practised in Hindu communities in the state. But for Christian and Muslim women, the denial of right to property is an issue that needs immediate attention. There is hardly any outrage in the state over the unequal distribution of ancestral property, just because many of the affected women are underprivileged and do not have the resources to fight for their rights.

(Source: TNM)

A mom created a children's newspaper to improve her son's GK

Despite good academics, most job applicants have very poor GK. When Nidhi Arora noticed this and saw the sheer lack of children's newspapers, she decided to make one herself.

When IIM graduate and consulting firm director Nidhi Arora sat on various recruitment interviews for organisations and colleges for over a decade, she noticed a consistent pattern -- two out of three candidates were rejected, and this was because they did not read the newspaper.

"The talent that was walking in that interview room door was awesome -- above 95 per cent in academics throughout, studied from IIT or an equally prestigious institution, done very well in the preliminary or entrance exam etc," explains Nidhi in an interview with India Today Education.

Nidhi Arora noticed there was no daily children's newspaper. So she created 'The Children's Post' for her son (pictured here).

Yet, the problem was that most candidates couldn't discuss current affairs.

"Most of them did not read current affairs at all, and a few depended on online news or TV for their current affairs and ended up reproducing the same things that they had read or heard. There was no analysis and no depth to their answers," she said.
Understanding what is going around the world is vital for the growth of children because it gives them a clear perspective of what they need to do in life - what does the world need? Is there any technology that could help save the environment? Could I create something to do that? -- such questions can form in a child's mind only when he or she clearly understand the crucial world issues around them.

"The candidates who were able to clear the interviews had read about current affairs, knew their numbers, and were able to present both sides of the story," says Nidhi.

"When we asked them where they went for their current affairs, every single one of them said that they read a detailed story in a newspaper, and supplemented it with TV debates or online news," she added.

Observing this issue for over 14 years of her professional life, Nidhi Arora realised that even after a child has excelled academically and done everything right, when it came to that last step, "how you view the world makes all the difference".

This awareness sets apart candidates sitting for job interviews - some have a clear idea of what is going on around them and can even give their own opinion on the same, and these kids grow up to be real changemakers.

So, the solution to this sounds simple -- ensure children have access to a good newspaper. However, this turned out to be the second problem.

The seven main editors of 'The Children's Post'.

 Nidhi Arora is in the centre with one of the editors on video call.

Lack of children's newspapers in India
The Aroras get four newspapers every single morning at home - in two languages -- but the language is complex and none could be given to a child of seven or eight years of age.

"When my son turned eight, I started looking for a daily newspaper for him. I looked, and looked, and looked -- for a year. When he turned nine, I decided he will either form the habit now, or never. So in June 2017, I made a sample 4-page paper at home," says Nidhi.

Thus, 'The Children's Post' was born out of encouragement from a group of mothers on Facebook -- Gurgaon Moms.

"When my son got the paper, he vanished into his room. When he came out about 20 minutes later, he said, 'Mom, if you think you know how happy I am, you know nothing,'" says Nidhi.
How did 'The Children's Post' become popular?
Once this unique paper was launched, everyone who heard about it loved it! Right now, it is the only daily newspaper in India for children.

"The response since releasing it is so empowering, supportive and awesome," gushes Nidhi.

The Children's Post is a 4-page print-at-home e-paper. Parents and educational institutes get the e-paper version of the children's newspaper, which can then be printed on A4 sheets for children.
"Yashoda Hospital, Ghaziabad, shares it with everyone in their pediatric ward and the OPD for children. MGM in Aurangabad is also introducing it to classes in their schools. We share it with NGOs who work with children at no cost," says Nidhi.

"The target age is 8 to 13 years. I am aware that children much older than that are enjoying the paper and ask for it every day. That kind of feedback makes our day," she adds.

The paper has news on every conceivable topic -- international affairs, environment, economics, internet security, ecology, history, gadgets and technology, knowledge about the Indian democratic system and how to be a responsible citizen of India.

It also includes puzzles, quizzes, poetry, short stories, cartoons, and even in-paper courses.

"Our USP, I think, is the sheer volume of child-generated content that we have - around 40 per cent. All our cartoonists are children. They generate one comic strip a week! There is poetry, phonics, stories, mazes, quizzes -- you name it and it's there," says Nidhi.

A screenshot from the November 18 issue of 'The Children's Post'

How is the children's newspaper created every day?
"Our delivery and creation model is designed to ensure that the child comes first -- every edition of the paper is made by a parent keeping in mind the needs of their own child. Each parent-editor puts in 5-6 hours a week to curate content for The Children's Post," says Nidhi.

Quite a few editors are involved in the making of the paper apart from Nidhi Arora. They include -- Aditi Hingu, Shalaka, Neha, Munmun, Monica, Pradeepthi Visamsetty, Deepti Chhabra, Bhavneet Arora, Harinder, Shivani, and Ekta.

The parent-editor of the day decides the content -- s/he can pick up any number of articles from the pile of contributed content, while the rest of the stories are written by him/her.
The completed copy then reaches Nidhi and Ekta for the second round of editing. They ensure grammar and facts are correct and ensure that the written language is simple enough to engage kids and doesn't violate any of the basic tenets of the children's newspaper.

Ekta sits up for a couple of hours every night to review the paper, while Nidhi is the second reviewing editor.

"Every edition is that editor's baby. Usually, we ask the readers what they want to read more of, and change accordingly," says Nidhi.

Challenges encountered in making the children's newspaper
Two primary challenges came up while helping the children's newspaper grow.

"They all enjoy the paper, they send in contributions, but feedback? We literally have to plead! So we use Facebook polls, posts, questions," explains Nidhi.
The second challenge is spreading awareness about the paper. "I truly believe that the work we are doing is vital for children in India today. There is nothing like this available to our children, and that has an impact on their future. We really don't know how to make more children and parents aware of this," she says.

Pradeepthi Vissamsetti, one of the editors of 'The Children's Post' preparing a copy of the children's newspaper.

What is the print-at-home newspaper model like?
The Children's Post is not an e-paper but a print-at-home children's newspaper.

"A4 sheets can be easily printed on any home or office printer. In my house, we have printed the paper every single day since June 30, 2017, and we recommend the same to other parents. The model of print-at-home content is new and unexplored, but we believe it is the future since delivery costs are rising and printing costs are falling," says Nidhi.

Every morning, the e-paper version of the day reached email-ids and Whatsapp inboxes from where it can be printed into a hard copy for the kids.

"Our advantage is that A4 size is perfect for the small hands of our readers and they love holding the paper in their hands," she adds.

But how will a children's newspaper help in today's digital world of GK apps?
The sheer number of apps available to make learning of children fun and engaging can almost be confusing sometimes. In such a time, creating a children's newspaper might seem irrelevant, but it is precisely because of the technology influx that reading a newspaper can help.

Too much of screen time can affect the brains of children in adverse ways.
"It is my belief that a non-reflective surface like paper will send fewer stimuli to your brain and you'll be able to focus. Screens, even if you're reading only one thing, are stimulating your brain all the time, literally programming your brain to look for a new stimulus every few seconds. I have found myself getting distracted lately when trying to read a book. This never used to happen earlier," explains Nidhi.

She adds that she prefers not depending on TV or online websites for news -- "TV is pure cacophony and online is full of fake news and one sided propaganda items."

Yet another problem with reading news online is once you open one website or app for your child, it's only a matter of time before s/he goes to other, less verified sources. "You won't be able to control that," Nidhi says.

The third issue she points out is how children can become easily blocked in as per their own interest areas.

"When you go online, you choose the kind of news you want to read and stick to your comfort zone. But a newspaper is like a digest. You may not read everything, but your horizon and frame of reference are expanding. You are becoming capable of discussing more topics, without even realising it," Nidhi explains.

The last reason that sets The Children's Post a notch above GK apps is its curated content "that speaks in the language of the child, helps them make sense of the world, truly understand fundamental concepts, and not just spew jargon."

How can you get a copy of the 'The Children's Post'?
The children's newspaper can be found online to print or download here. You can opt for their monthly subscription as well.

There is a Whatsapp group for parents where the pdf of the print-at-home paper is sent -- no interaction takes place here and they are reserved for the Facebook group.

To join the Facebook group where feedback, discussion and richer interaction is encouraged, the parent needs to mention the age of the child and their interest in the paper.

"Institutional subscribers get a copy in their email inbox. They can take a printout and keep it outside the library or read out in the assembly. We have seen both models work," says Nidhi.

Nidhi Arora with her husband and child.

Are there plans to make 'The Children's Post' bigger?
"Oh yes! Being the only daily newspaper in India made exclusively for kids, the Children's Post should be a staple in every house which has a child above the age of eight. When you read a few sample copies, you see that this is, in fact, a door to a magical kingdom," says Nidhi.

"We currently have about 3000 readers, but we would like to take The Children's Post to every child all over the country who can enjoy it," she adds.

So how does a working mother manage to give time to this project?

"I just do. It's easy to stay the course when you see your child transform," Nidhi smiles.

(Source: India Today)

A feminist's guide to raising boys

Before I became a mother, I thought my feminism was a battle fought and won. But having three sons has challenged everything

It’s always the things you think will be a doddle that end up causing most heartache. When I was asked to write about being a feminist and a mother to three boys, I imagined dashing off something witty, yet touching and wise, and never thought for a moment I’d end up losing my temper (several times) or in tears, or storming away from meals, and feeling like a failure. Did not see that coming.

How do you raise boys? My extremely authoritative sources for this article were: my friends; my children (I interviewed two of them, but the middle one refused and now says, “Is it a gender thing?” every time it seems funny); my husband; some brilliant books; and a huge number of conversations, including one in the pub with a friend who is, genuinely, a professor of feminism. In no particular order, this is what I learned.


Misogyny is a thing you can catch off the internet (and other weird things about being a 21st-century boy)
We need to be as vigilant about this as we are about children watching porn. When Joe, now 13, my youngest, told me that 58% of rape accusations were false, I was stunned that he’d got it so wrong. We researched the statistics and found that it’s more like 4-8%, at most. But if you dive into the web, you will find all sorts of fake news, anti-feminist bollocks – sites like Return Of Kings, which aim to “usher the return of the masculine man in a world where masculinity is being increasingly punished”, with stories about how jealous feminists put hardworking Formula One grid girls out of a job. Here, knowledge is power: don’t pretend these platforms don’t exist – talk about them, factcheck them.

I’ve been a feminist all my life, but having children was the first time I fully understood what it was for
In the 1970s, from my child’s-eye point of view, it seemed pretty much agreed that boys and girls were essentially the same; it was just society that turned us into “boys” and “girls”. Simone de Beauvoir had said: “One is not born a woman but, rather, becomes a woman,” and the whole planet had nodded in agreement, and that was that. As a teenager and self-proclaimed militant feminist, it was simple to fight the patriarchy; I just had to pick fights with my father. At university, I read and understood whole paragraphs of Elaine Showalter and Toril Moi. In the early years of my career in journalism, being a woman was no brake on being able to work as late, be paid as little and drink as much as any of the male reporters I knew.

Then I had sons. It may sound naive, but I hadn’t really thought about how that would work. I had a vague plan that my husband, Mike, and I would divide the labour, that it would be equal and fair, that I would raise a bunch of lovely equal-opportunity children and that my life would more or less carry on as before. Feel free to snigger – I deserve it.

But he had a job, I was freelance. There was no question about whose work would take priority. No matter how much Mike pitched in, the day-to-day reality was me, at home, trying to hold back a tsunami of washing-up and laundry and mess and boys and nappies and Lego.

I loved being at home with the boys. But this was not what I had expected and at times I felt caged and desperate. In all my years of blithely touting feminism, I had understood it only in an abstract way. Now I got it, understood that because I was the one with the womb and the mammary glands, I would be the one carrying the children and then feeding them. It was a startling window into other times and worlds, where, if you had no birth control and your body belonged to your husband by law, then you could just be impregnated over and over again, sidelined and kept at home. Suddenly my feminism was visceral.

 Bibi van der Zee’s three sons in 2013. Photograph: Andrew Hasson/The Guardian

To be clear: I don’t think you only understand feminism if you have children. But the embarrassing truth is that, in my case, this is what happened.

You have to talk to your sons and then talk some more. Be prepared to argue
Looking back, there were a lot of things I should have talked more about to the boys. Many of my friends turn out to have strategised. One friend said: “Make it normal to bring up topics around the table – talk about Brett Kavanaugh, the middle-class white male dominance of government, pornography, social media, talk about strong women and men.” Someone else admitted to “constant nagging on my part about how to treat women, with the occasional lecture on systemic patriarchy”.

Then there was the friend who admitted that her sons tended to be all, “There goes mum, banging on about feminism again, yawn.” I thought that sounded more like my house, but when I talked to my boys for this article, it turned out I hadn’t banged on as much as I thought.

In particular, I hadn’t talked about the #MeToo movement – partly, I think, because it had such a profound impact on me. Like so many women, I was forced to reassess experiences and ask myself why I had accepted certain things, even blamed myself for them. I don’t think I realised how raw I was about it until we began to discuss it as a family. At one meal, when I tried to explain to a table of men and boys why #MeToo was a necessary act of mass civil disobedience, how the ideal of a rule of law actually shielded white men and protected the status quo, how most women who are assaulted never get justice, it all fell apart. The meaning of rule of law was explained to me. I lost it and walked away in tears.

But you know what? I don’t regret it. Sometimes an argument should be that emotional.

I was guilty of unconscious bias
When the boys were small, they were a little gang and I revelled in it. Mad-good company, sometimes best friends and sometimes worst enemies, a whirling cloud of fists and insults and laughs, like living with the Bash Street Kids. (Me to Joe, our youngest, at some point in 2011: “I don’t like your attitude, young man.” Joe to me: “I love my attitude.”)

Their boy-ness made me doubt what I’d always believed – that it’s nurture, not nature, that underneath, all humans are basically the same. But it was impossible not to notice how differently they behaved to some of the girls we knew. Then, as they got older and we all emerged from the long tunnel of semi-delirious exhaustion, Mike and I began to see things differently. We watched a BBC programme about girls’ toys and boys’ toys. The producers dressed little boys up in girls’ clothes and vice versa, then got unsuspecting members of the public to play with them and watched as they merrily handed robots and maths toys to the little “boy” and cuddly toys and dolls to the “girl”. I recognised how guilty I’d been of doing the same thing. I’d betrayed the bloody sisterhood – and I hadn’t even noticed.

The funny thing is, I’d been a tomboy myself, not prone to wearing pink, more likely to climb a tree than talk about my feelings. In retrospect it seems weird that I didn’t think goodness, they’re just like me.

They seem to be turning out all right, considering
Occasionally I felt outnumbered. The football years, in particular, when they’d play Fifa, then go off to play it for real, then come back and watch more of it and the house would smell of mud and grass: those weekends, I felt as if I were in a 70s sitcom, getting their tea. I hate bloody football. None of them ever wanted to go clothes shopping with me. And they absolutely weren’t up for a romcom on a rainy Sunday afternoon either.

But my eldest son, Sam, now 17, likes to talk about films or tell me amazing facts about the stars and the universe. My middle boy is a great cook; we’ve spent hours covered in flour together. My youngest, Joe, is obsessed with music, and some of the happiest times of my life have been spent playing YouTube jukebox with him. They like some of the things I like and not others. It’s almost as if they’re… individuals?

Sam has as many female as male friends. He says boys and girls can do the same things. He’d be happy to stay home with his children if and when he has them, while his partner goes out to work.

I worried that the fact that I’d freelanced for years had made them think that Mummy works at home while Daddy goes to the office in the city. But Sam laughed when I suggested this. “If you’d really wanted to swap, you could have done, Mum,” he said. “Dad would have been fine with that.” And he’s right.

They may yet turn out to be oppressive, patriarchal monsters, but the signs are pretty well submerged for now.

Bibi and her husband, Mike, with their sons in 2010.
Photograph: Andrew Hasson/The Guardian

I am probably still getting everything wrong
Why did I find this so hard to write? Because it involved admitting that I was naive, that I didn’t put nearly as much thought into the business of rearing good feminist boys as it deserved.

What would I do differently? In the end, all you can do is look very, very hard at yourself sometimes and hope that you catch this stuff – your assumptions and gender biases and all the ducked conversations. Hug your boys a lot and tell them, often, how much you love them. Enjoy being with them. Not so long ago, I cornered my feminist professor friend in the pub for a rant that may have gone on for some time. After a while, she stopped me and said simply: “Surely your main responsibility is to make sure they don’t turn out to be assholes?” (She used a shorter, pithier Anglo-Saxon word.)

On that basis, I have succeeded. I hope.

How to raise feminist boys, by Tanith Carey
1 Role model equality
Children first learn about their place in the world within the classroom of the family. If they have two mixed-gender parents, this is where they form their first ideas about what it means to be male or female. Whether it’s cooking or childcare, make it clear that what each of you does as a parent is determined by your individual skills, interests and what works best for the family – not your gender.

2 Allow your son a full range of emotions
Studies have found that boy babies cry just as much as girls. Then, unconsciously, we “man up” our sons early, believing they need to be toughened up. By four, mothers use more emotional language with girls than boys, according to research. By seven, if a boy hurts himself, he gets praised more for not crying than a girl the same age. The lessons our sons take from this is that the only emotion they are permitted, without looking weak, is anger.

3 Let him play how he likes
Before the age of two or three, boys and girls play in roughly the same ways. But not long afterward, they cotton on to the idea that some games are seen as more appropriate for their gender than others. Instead, encourage your son to play whatever interests him, without limits. Let him be the female characters in his “let’s pretend” games. Encourage playdates with girls, too. Just as many parents don’t like Barbie dolls for their daughters, remember that gender-exaggerated superhero figures present boys with an image of men as devoid of any emotion, except anger.

4 Tell him about pornography
When a young boy sees porn, in which women are freely referred to as “sluts” and “whores”, he quickly gets an unhealthy idea of what it means to be a man. It means that a boy with no perspective or context assumes this is how the world works, unless we tell him otherwise. Even before your son knows what porn is, start the conversation early by talking about loving relationships.

When he gets to an age when you think he might see it, talk about how porn is a performance designed to shock, make money and entertain. Explain that it’s a long way from the shared, mutually enjoyable act that good sex should be.

Teach your son consent, too, by giving him control over his own body by asking him if he wants to be hugged or kissed. Learning this lesson will mean he will grow up being considerate to others.

5 Beyond feminism, teach equality
In the discussion around #MeToo, there’s been a lot of talk about “toxic masculinity”. But it’s not boys who are the problem – it’s the way they have been raised in a traditionally male-dominated society to believe that a penis confers privilege.

Teach your sons that equality is just as good for boys as it is for girls. It allows both to reach their potential without limits being imposed on how they think or what they can be when they grow up.

Make it a family value that everyone they meet is worthy of dignity and courtesy, whatever their sexual identity.

(Source: The Guardian)

British princes regret ‘rushed’ final phone call with mother

Royal heirs open up about their last conversation with Diana in a documentary

Britain’s Prince William and Harry have spoken of their regret over the last conversation they had with their mother Princess Diana before she died, saying the telephone call was “desperately rushed.”

In a documentary called Diana, Our Mother: Her Life and Legacy timed to coincide with the 20th anniversary of Diana’s death in a Paris car crash on August 31, 1997, the two princes said they spoke to their mother shortly before she died.

“Harry and I were in a desperate rush to say goodbye, you know ‘see you later’ ... if I’d known now obviously what was going to happen, I wouldn’t have been so blase about it and everything else,” Prince William said.

Prince Harry said: “It was her speaking from Paris, I can’t really necessarily remember what I said but all I do remember is probably regretting for the rest of my life how short the phone call was.”

Nick Kent, the film’s executive producer, told Reuters he believed the document offered a glimpse of “the private Diana.”

“Nobody has ever told this story from the point of view of the two people who knew her better than anyone else, and loved her the most: her sons,” he said.

Sense of humour
The princes recall their mother’s sense of humour, with Prince Harry describing her as “one of the naughtiest parents.” They also recall the pain of their parents' divorce and how they dealt with the news of her death and its aftermath.

While the film addresses aspects of Diana’s life such as her charity work involving HIV and landmines, it shies away from some other issues, such as extra-marital affairs. According to the makers, however, the British royals were very open and did not put any subject off limits. Rather, they wanted to cover new ground and make a different type of film.

“What we had in mind is that in years to come, Prince William and Prince Harry would be happy to show this film to their own children and say this is who your grandmother was,” Mr. Kent said.

Diana, Our Mother: Her Life and Legacy will be broadcast on British and U.S. television on July 24.

A number of commemorative events have been planned to mark Diana’s death. William and Harry attended a private service this month to rededicate her grave and the brothers have commissioned a statue to be erected in her honour outside their official London home.

Rarely-seen possessions of Diana, including her music collection and ballet shoes, went on display on Saturday at Buckingham Palace.

(Source: The Hindu)