Why does a married woman become an outsider at her parents’ as well as at her in-laws place?

A married woman needs support from her parents and parents-in-law too in case of relationship problems. Why does this often not happen?

Once a girl turns 21 yrs of age our Indian parents start thinking about their daughters marriage. By the the time the girl completes her education and tries to explore a career her marriage gets fixed.

Marriage is one of the biggest dream for a girl. I know it’s a dream for a guy to settle down too, but nothing much changes in his life apart from monetary responsibility and marital status. But for her the whole world changes starting from her name, her identity, family, career in some cases. Everything from A to Z changes and she is ready to face this side of world leaving everything behind.

There are two types of marriages – love marriage and arranged marriage.

In case of love marriage against parents’ wishes it’s difficult to get back the parents’ trust or lean back on them during turbulence in marriage. Though in 90% of the cases the husband and wife sync with each other as its their love towards each other which resulted in this marriage. There are exceptional cases when the partners don’t sync after their marriage too.

In arranged marriages it is not in between two people but it is in between two families. For two different individuals, it always takes time to sync, and sometimes life gives us the worst choices to choose from. If you both can handle the problem cleverly in between yourself it is good. But there are cases when the girl’s world turns upside down due to mental torture by the husband, or too much involvement of other people in her married life, etc. Where should she go ?

Can she just run back to her parents house and say she doesn’t want to live with him anymore?
No, right?! Her parents most of the time try to convince her by saying,“beta you should adjust dear, now that is your family, he is your husband, think about your future, your kids future,” etc.

COMPROMISE is one word which they keep uttering in her ear. “There is a limit for everything mom and dad! I am fed up with all these crap. I have never seen this type of life before.”

Can she just complain to her in-laws that your son in not treating me well?
This one also they don’t believe because their son is a gem to them and we girls do not have  tendency to complain about each and every small issue to them from starting. They do not know what is going on inside the room between the couple. Even if you tell they don’t believe in most cases because they have to support their son! It’s their family pride.

Only the daughter in law is wrong here. Parents ask her to compromise and carry on, inlaws don’t believe her words.

To whom should she tell her sorrows?

Whom should she consider as her family during this painful depressed period?

Her husband may be a good son, good brother, etc. but if he is not a good husband and is torturing her mentally where is the proof to prove his physic behavior?

To all the parents and the in-laws
Please listen to what your daughter or daughter in law says when she is really having some problem in her life.

No girl wants her marriage to end because of silly reasons. That is why she will not complain to you each and every time her husband fights with her.

You can’t say it’s your life and family matter and you  should patch up among yourselves. The matter must have become worse. She must have tried her best. Things must have gone out of the limit – that is the reason she came to you for advice.

Leaving the marriage is not the solution to this problem but sit and listen to both the parties and find out a solution without bias.

Inlaws dear, don’t put blame without knowing the truth on anybody. If you can’t solve the matter don’t make it worse by your assumptions.

We want our marriage to work by hook or by crook, we came to you as it has gone out of proportion. If you guys can handle it intelligently, great. Else your son’s marriage will only become messier.

And to all the women out there …
Don’t depend on anyone … Try to be independent especially financially.

Don’t leave your career for your family, strike a right balance between work and life.

Do not enter into parenthood if you both are not sure about your relationship. It will unnecessarily complicate your life.

(Source: Women's Web)

Raising good wives & bad husbands: This Kerala woman’s viral post is a must-read!

No one questions the different standards that are set for boys or girls, and continue to follow them blindly.

Patriarchy often shows its colour in various forms. Sometimes it is a blatant “girls should not (insert activity of choice)” and sometimes it is very subtle, almost invisible.

And then, in some families and some parts of the society, patriarchy wears the veil of normalcy. No one questions the different standards that are set for boys or girls, and continue to follow them blindly.

Jaseena Backer, a psychologist and gender expert, had such a conversation with her domestic help one day.

The help was blaming her daughter-in-law for being an “inadequate” wife because she could not stop her husband’s drinking habits.

To Jaseena, this was a part of a much larger picture—that of bringing up boys and girls in a completely different fashion. It was even larger than letting the boys enjoy uninhibited freedom while restricting girls.

“The Indian society has spent centuries grooming young girls to be future good wives (sanskaari bahus), yet fails to produce good husbands who deserve them. This makes these girls grow up to feel that they have to cater to childish, juvenile behaviour in their marriages,” Jaseena says in her post.

Read the full story about Jaseena’s take on why girls should not be raised as future wives here.

Woman what are you?

“My son drinks. My daughter-in-law is no good. She isn’t able to stop him nor keep a contorol” my domestic help was complaining to me.

“Only if the woman who comes home to be a wife is good will the husband turn out to be good,” she judgementalised.

You have to be a good woman, respectful, because one day you will be someone’s wife, you will have to learn family morals… what it is to be a good woman????

“She has been married to him for 8 years and I wonder what the hell she has been doing all these years of marriage? She lamented.

“What were you doing for 28 years?” I asked her
“Means?” she questioned.

“Your son has been with you 28 years before marriage and what were you doing then to correct him?” I asked her.

“I am the mother I have limitations and he wont listen to me. She is a wife she should control him,” she said.

“What you couldn’t do for son in 28 years you expect her to do in 8 years?” I asked her.

“Men are like raw mangoes. The wife can be good and let the mango ripen, and if the wife is bad then she will rotten the mango,” was her organic explanation.

“Did you tell your daughter-in-law before marriage that your son was a drunkard,” I asked her.

“No, I got him married thinking the wife will fix it all,” she told me blatantly.

There are so many things I find problematic with statements like the above one. It’s strenuous; we have to keep repeating the same things. The problem is not becoming a wife; it is setting the standard to become a wife rather than her own individual first. It’s suppressive and regressive.

“So she can actually sue you for selling her a rotten mango,” I couldn’t contain my laughter.

The India society has spent centuries grooming girls to be future good wives( sanskaari bahu), yet failing to produce good husbands who deserve them. This makes girls grow up to feel they have to cater to childish juvenile behaviour in their marriages.

In this patriarchal society we live in, there is a notion that, “girls are more mature than boys at a particular given age,” and that is one monumental social constructs. Girls aren’t more mature than boys their age mentally. Therefore wives are not officially teachers, mentors or coaches for their husbands.

Indian society has just given one gender the freedom to be careless, carefree, and disorganized. While the other to conform to the poised and acceptable behaviour expected of a good wife.

Instead of directing all the energy to teaching girls how to be “good wives”, 50% of it need to be directed toward boys. In the similar fashion some of the energy directed towards teaching boys how to pave their own way should also be directed toward girls. An apt balance of gender in parenting.

No uncles and grandfathers will have a talk to a man before marriage on being a good husbands. While too many women are left to think their self worth is dependent on their ability to cater to a man.

Here is something for you women- don’t fall into the trap that you have to correct the man all the time. Men do not like to me mothered by their wives.. They have one mother which is more than enough for them.

However, the coming generation of husband and wife will usher in some changes as the world is evolving for the better.

We as the next generation of parents ought to raise all children to be accountable, responsible and well behaved irrespective of gender. No one should be given a special benefit of any gender.

When the society blames everything (parenting/ divorces etc) that goes wrong in a marriage on women or feminism, what they actually try to reinstate is that the world cannot function well because the modern woman refuses to bow down to suffer.

That’s the fact….. and we are getting there

Women, you are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men.

It is NOT your job to fix him, change him, parent him or raise him.

You want a partner, not a project.

Jaseena Backer

Disclaimer: Yes,"Not all Men"

(Source: TBI)

A Karnataka woman helped her daughter-in-law get Rs 4 crore as alimony

She stood by her daughter-in-law, and insisted that her son be made to pay alimony. because he had the money to.

In a rare instance of solidarity - at least going by popular perception - a mother deposed against her son in a court of law, and helped her daughter-in-law get alimony in a divorce case.

A Bengaluru family court ordered late Congress Minister SR Kashappanavar’s son Devanand to pay his 25-year-old ex-wife a permanent alimony of Rs 4.85 crore, while dissolving their marriage.

The Fifth Additional Principal Family Court Judge noted that the petitioner was eligible for divorce as they have been living separately for close to four and a half years.

The petitioner and Devanand (the petitioner's maternal uncle), had married on May 22, 2011 at Hungund taluk of Bagalkot district.

The petitioner told the court that Devanand had married her only to respect the late Minister’s wishes, and had an extra-marital affair.

According to the petition, Devanand stayed at the other woman’s house for the most part. When his wife confronted it, he was allegedly violent towards her and verbally abused her. This was when the petitioner moved the court for a divorce.  

In her petition, she mentioned that she was treated like a stranger by her husband after tying the knot, although he was cordial with her weeks prior to their marriage.

According to the petitioner and her mother-in-law, Devanand had married the other woman illegally against the wishes of the elders of the family and has a child with the woman.

According to The New Indian Express, the mother-in-law, who is also the petitioner’s grandmother, said, “Devanand has vast extent of lands, drives a Mercedes Benz SUV costing more than a crore, owns quarry business and is therefore well off. Without performing his marital obligations, Devanand deserted his wife.”

Devanand did not contest the court notice and failed to appear before the court.

(Source: TNM)

A perfect Indian daughter-in-law has these qualities, you'll never be one

For those of you women who have already started on the nuptial expedition and for the rest of you who are super excited to embark upon this journey but have millions of questions on how do you come out as an all-rounder, in other words be termed and tagged as the Perfect “Daughter in law”, here is a little news flash, you are never going to be that girl, only because you never can! You can always try but you never can be someone who is perfect in the eyes of every flawed human being around you who is happy to judge you with hundreds of different perspectives, on what a perfect Daughter-in-law should be like. Here is why:

1. A typical Indian “Bahu” is supposedly expected to be Dumb not by birth but by choice
Hey now, you must be a double degree holder to be able to hold the hand of her son, but definitely not more educated than him. You should be super smart to teach her grand children, to pay the bills, to manage the house, take care of household expenditures but not smart enough to back answer your in-laws if they are ever wrong.

You are not privileged to have a opinion on your own about anything that is happening in the house, outside the house, something on TV news, nope, just not allowed as it is not your place, it is never your place to comment on anything literally. Independence and constitutional rights are for the country and not for you.

2. Obedience is not a choice, it’s a way of life!
The moment the mangalsutra is tied around your neck, you are expected to be obedient by default. You obey your husband, your in-laws, your society, your husbands’ relatives and sometimes even the kids in your husband’s family. You obey and obey and obey until the end of time and still somewhere down the line you better get ready to be whipped, scrutinized and screwed if you accidentally fail to obey a tiny detail of an order given to you. This country will expect this type of obedience from you because you signed up to be a Daughter-in-law, and what does a good Daughter-in-law do? She obeys!

3. You become a living fountain of love, affection and selflessness
You are bound to keep a smile on your face 24*7, no matter what has gone wrong with the world. You always smile! Your smile apparently is where your in-laws family respect, dignity and decorum hang. You could have had a massive fight with your husband the previous evening, your in-laws could have made a sarcastic comment about something you cooked that could have made you upset, you can have any kind of physical ailment or it can be bloody PMS that has kept you feeling a little bit off lately but guess what! You don’t smile and the world is going to know that you are not happy in your in-laws’ house, you are suddenly moody, absurd, a loner and you know what that means — you are not a perfect“Bahu” material.

4. You are literally ranked next to Saints and Mythical goddesses
You thought you were just Daddy’s pampered smothered in love, little princess and somebody ties a thread around your neck and all of a sudden BOOM, you are expected to be a goddamn saint with no likes, ambitions, desires of your own. You are expected to adjust to the people around you, constantly making compromises on what you want but not with a frown, instead willingly and happily, you care for everybody around you except YOURSELF. Also, last but not the least you literally become a perfect clone of Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi and Mother India or you just can’t be the perfect Bahu!

5. Home is work
Are you ambitious about being successful in your career and then you thought like may be some day I want to get married and try my hand at both – taking care of your family as well as being successful career-wise! If that’s what you thought then you are wrong in the eyes of your in-laws and this society. You can be a good bahu only if you stay at home, take care of your family and do household chores; as being a full-time homemaker is the only job that a Bahu is allowed to take up. If you go out of the house, you apparently are less caring towards your family, you suddenly become disobedient, selfish, arrogant, you lack in your duties as a good wife and as a good mom. You bring your work home every day and thus the children don’t get enough attention. A woman going to work today is unsafe for any woman in this country as rapists are on the loose 24*7.

Also, what kind of husband sends his wife off to work and lets her earn – the incompetent one probably and the one that can’t make enough money to take care of his family, last but not the least a woman who works won’t respect her husband and her in-laws and thus shouldn’t be allowed the privilege of taking up a job. These are some of the very valuable points that many families very comfortably list out as valid reasons for not letting their talented and highly educated Daughter-in-laws not go to work.

Now can you be that girl?
Let me the rephrase the question! Do you want to be that girl? Even if you want to make your loved ones happy, even if you want to make sure that the sweet smile in your husband’s face never disappears, even if you care so deeply about hearing that one golden sentence – “You are not our Daughter-in-law but our Daughter” and if it means the world to you to be tagged as the “Perfect Daughter in Law of the Century”. Do you really think, going through all of the above is even worth the run?

You are as much of a human being as anybody else with desires, hopes, dreams and ambitions. Why would you want to give up on any of that? Here is the worst case scenario, while you are in the race to please everyone around you and make sure that you never dishearten anyone at any point of time, imagine you take a moment to look back at your journey; can you really tell that there won’t be any regrets at all? Life waits for nobody, you get to live it once, the only person you need to please is you and if you are doing that on a day to day basis then give yourself some credit because you are on the right track my friend.

Nothing pays off better than being you and enjoying doing that. Everything from Marriage to Divorce is way over-rated in this country. Don’t let yourself down with what the society thinks of you, don’t give them that satisfaction! Don’t let people stereotype you as a perfect Bahueven if it sounds like a compliment at first, because it has been impossible for women over years to live up to it even if they were at some point tagged as one!

You can be a married woman and still be a horrible Bahu and that is perfectly, completely and a 100% fine in an imperfect world such as the one that we live in today, so relax!

Be proud of the Daughter-in-law that you are, that’s all that matters, everything else is background noise.

(Source: AkkarBakkar)

They want the ideal daughter-in-law, but what about the ideal son-in-law?

They say that in India you don’t marry a person, you marry into their family. On Bonobology Dr. Rima Mukherji, Consultant Psychiatrist at Woodlands Multi-Speciality Hospital, Kolkata, shows up a mirror to the prevalent churning taking place in our society - from the expectations the husband and in-laws have from the wife/daughter-in-law to the manner in which boys are still being raised.

The concept of who is a very good daughter-in-law is still judged by stereotypical characteristics that are determined by the boy’s family. They measure the daughter-in-law by their yardstick. If you are married, there has to be a degree of adjustment on both sides. For instance, there is a married couple, where the working woman has chosen her own partner and the husband’s family is a little less liberated than the woman’s family. The moment she entered the house after marriage, she stopped applying sindoor (vermilion) and other symbols of marriage. She got into her capris and T-shirt at home before her father-in-law. The father-in-law took his son aside and said, “Your wife is a loose woman.” So the judgment is passed because she has not fallen under the stereotype.

So, the wife said that ‘you knew I used to wear western clothes before I got married. You knew everything – but at that time you did not tell me that these are going to crop up as issues in your family’. And she went back to her parents’ house. An educated woman, who is being judged, tends to react. Sometimes, she tends to do what she wants to do.

The husband was completely confused. On one hand, he wanted a completely hip, hot girl to show off before his friends but the conflict at home was that his family considered the same wife to be a woman with loose morals. She did not have loose morals; she simply did not fit into a stereotype.

There are very few families who would actually not crib about the daughter-in-law. They will always say it is her fault that she is not able to adjust. ‘Yes, she is very educated, yes she earns a lot of money, yes she is a corporate head, but she doesn’t take care of my son’s needs’ (they will say).

Today’s men are a very confused lot. They continue to be pampered while growing up, and almost every family is patriarchal. By and large, men still have not evolved to the extent where they are able to handle a very modern woman with liberated views. And there also are huge double standards.

The double standards are – “What is sauce for the goose is not sauce for the gander.” It is okay if he does certain things; if he has a lot of girl friends or if he wants to go on a night out with buddies (even if they are male buddies), and if he returns home at two in the morning, then this is not supposed to be considered wrong by the wife. But she cannot do the same because the husband feels; she is married to him and what people would think of her. It is still not considered nice if a woman is seen smoking and drinking. People are still very judgmental about those things.

Men also do not know how to handle the working woman very well. Theoretically men are very happy getting married to working women but they are not able to handle the consequences. For example, they are not able to handle the fact that their wives are not like their mother who was always there to provide them with everything.

The values and attitude that you grow with, stays with you all your life. If you had a homemaker mother, then the boy would want a wife like her. Whereas a boy who has had a working mother in his life, is used to doing things on his own, is self sufficient and is far more adjusting.

We hardly come across a family or a boy child who has been told that if in today’s world where we are talking about equality and if you would be living abroad and working or your would also be working, then you better be self-sufficient at home, help your wife with the chores.

7 annoying habits of a mother-in-law

Yes, her title is ‘mother’ but she possesses no quality of a mom. She is always conspiring against you with your husband and father-in-law. Your marriage with her son gives your mother-in-law the license to exploit you and to herself act like a queen. She is never contented with your work and looks for flaws in everything you do. Lets find out what evil genius Mummy-ji’s have in store for their unsuspecting daughter in laws.

MILs are very intrusive and many times childish in nature. Their troublesome nature is a great source of frustration for wives. Most wives who face this problem try to involve their husband for solving it. When the son requests her to change her behavior, she calls him messenger of the wife or joroo ka ghulam, whom she outranks. Following are some of the habits of MILs that can really ruin your happy life:

Maa Da Laadla
1. She pretends to be the most caring lady in your husband’s life.  She claims to be the only lady who loves and cares for him and believes that you take him for granted. Of course, she loves him but why does she have to have an edge over you? No comparisons, please!

2. She treats him like a small child. This one is really annoying. She calls him shona, baby, jaan, and what not. Even a wife would not call him with these names in front of others.

Daughter-In-Law=Servant
3. She eats after you eat, not because she cares for you but because she waits for you to cook and eat. She sits on table as if she is your guest and it is your duty to serve her. She inspects every work you do and chastises you if you put your feet up for five minutes.

Grandchild Monopoly
4. She pressurizes you every now and then to have a kid when you have already planned it for a later stage. If you have a child, then it’s already her property. She may not be able to manage him or her but still wants to keep him away from you.

Nosy Neighbour
5. She asks your husband and you a thousand questions before you go out for dinner, a function, shopping or anything.  She loves poking her nose in all your affairs. She is very possessive about her son and cannot see him enjoy his life with you. Some sense of insecurity is always haunting her.

6. She always advises you about respecting your husband. Well, that’s none of her business. When you don’t interfere in her personal life, why should she?

Financial Checks
7. She cribs when you shop for yourself. How can you waste money like this? You need to save for your family and future. You won’t even realize when she had already told your husband and father-in-law about your purchases.

(Source: India Opines)

Dear mother-in-law, I will NOT let you be a lesson to my son: We're done

This story shared by a woman through an open letter published on Akkar Bakkar is not just hers. I am sure that most of daughters-in-law go through similar hoops. Some dare to defy, some bite the bullet, and others like her and me decide to write about it in the form of an impassioned address or a backhanded dig. Here you go:

Dear Hubby’s mother,
A few months back when I delivered my first child, you decided to come and stay with us. I was happy, that my baby will have a grandparent to play with. But I also dreaded thinking that I may have to bid adieus to all the peace I enjoyed in my domestic life. My worst dreams came true when upon your arrival, you started to interfere with every little thing that I was trying to do for my baby.

You blamed me when my breast-milk wasn’t enough, or when the little one cried. You complained that I am no good at calming my bawling baby! You threw a fit when I got a maalish bai to bathe my son (which you thought was unnecessary).

You expected me to cook three meals a day when I was barely able to stand (a few days post my C-section delivery). You made sure that my experience of motherhood (one that I had after seven long married years) was ruined. I was reminded yet again, that you have not accepted me, and never will.

I still remember the first time we met; you watched me like a hawk while I walked across the room with a tray of ladoos and chai (I think you wanted to confirm that I had no limp and that I was not half-blind). I don’t know if you hated me at first sight, I definitely did not. Your husband offered me a piece of ladoo with a smile that was even sweeter. He kept saying, he'd like to make me his bahu and I knew at that point that I had the best father-in-law one could ask for. About you, I was not so sure.

The first day of marriage, when I entered your life and your house, I saw none of the joyous welcoming that a new bride is promised. I pottered around in an alien environment not knowing what to talk and whom to talk to. I didn’t feel anything but unwelcome.

I approached you daily, tried befriending you, asked if you need my help with household chores, and you chose to not reply. Two days later I realized that my “failure” to perform bahu’s duties had been escalated to my hubby, and that culminated into a nasty fight between him and me. What you probably didn’t realize at that point was that I was new to all the household responsibilities (after having led a carefree life with my parents till the age of 26). And I am a shy person. Had you told me in a friendly tone of what you expected me to do, I would have gladly done it. But instead you chose to sit on a soapbox and deliver a homily on what an ideal bahu is and how I am far from it.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to see you every day since hubby and I worked in a different city and had a house of our own. But, whenever, we were ordered to visit you (which was once every week), I would meekly go up to the kitchen as soon as I landed, and take over the household work from you.

Slowly I realized what a bahu truly meant to you. She is someone who mustn’t have a voice of her own; she exists merely to serve – her husband and his family. A bahu in your regressive textbook is someone who wakes up at the break of dawn, makes food for the entire family, cleans the house, and then leaves for work. She has to come back again in the evening and perform the same set of duties.

It doesn’t matter if at work she is actually someone who handles a team of hundred or a thousand and does a smashing job at it. It doesn’t matter even if she is earning the same salary as her husband. Since she is the bahu, she is entitled to perform all the aforementioned duties. She is not even allowed to keep domestic help — her priority should be to save her as well as her husband’s hard-earned money. An ideal bahu should ask no questions but should unflinchingly answer all kinds of zany questions directed at her.

I really tried hard to be the ideal bahu for you. I cooked and cleaned, I expected no kind of help or even a little appreciation. But the harder I toiled, the more difficult you made things for me.

You were never happy or satiated. You spared no occasion to judge me and gave my efforts a failing grade. I once decided to talk to my hubby about you, and it all ended up in a big fight. I now know that Indian men will always stand by their mums.

You told me several times to not give any “stress” to my hubby since he has an important job. But, you never appreciated the fact that I have a tough life at job too that sometimes leaks into my post-office hours. It is not always possible for me to come home from work and head straight to the kitchen to make soft round rotis for you. Sometimes, I have late-evening calls which I choose to take from home. I am trying my best to balance work and life without lamenting on the lack of support from anyone.

Now, let me remind you that with my hard-earned money, I pay most of the bills and a share of the house rent too! Never once, have I depended upon you or your son to buy me any materialistic things. I take care of my shit, and also on a couple of occasions manage yours. Then, why, if I may ask you, am I subjected to all the whining and nagging? Why am I made to feel like a lowly creature that must remain mum at all times, and quietly follow your raft of orders?

Why must I be made to feel that my husband is the more important person in the equation? Should it not be fair that my opinion be sought when it comes to taking decisions in the house? Should I not expect my hubby to partake in the household chores when I have taken on the onus of earning/spending for the house (generally considered to be the guy’s department)?

But let me be fair to you, I know that you are rooted in age-old traditions. I know that in your opinion a woman will always remain subservient to men. I know you have deeply embedded views about gender norms, and it’s not going to change. So, I don’t blame you. But let me take my own decisions when it comes to raising my son. Don’t expect me to pass on the baton of the “traditional values” to my little boy.

I will bring him up to accept both genders as equals. I will teach him to never control or dominate another woman. And as far as things between you and me are concerned, I have decided to let go, forgive, and forget. This letter is the last nail on the coffin of a difficult relationship I share with you.

Yours lovingly,
An unhappy bahu.

A poem to describe the helplessness of an Indian bride

I Wish I Was Not Born As A Daughter 

Glittering shining from head to toe
I just took the wedding vows
Surrounded by faces all new
My eyes wandered looking for you

Wanted you to hold me tight
Saw you smiling with teary eyes
Few moments ago, I belonged to you

Now I have a family completely new
You hugged me and wiped my tears
You never looked so weak all these years
I wanted to say let’s go home
But soon realized I have a new home
I wished I could never leave you today

But tradition is above us they say
I wished so much this day could have come little late
But then how can I fight my fate
You never made me feel this, mother
But today I wish I was not born as a daughter.

p.s.: Every Indian wedding that I ever attend, I cry seeing the bride. It's true! It's such an unsettling feeling, I can't even imagine how it must feel. It's like giving up on being a daughter of one house to be the daughter-in-law of another house. It's has "in-law" in the name for crying out loud, how can such a relationship feel like family?

(Source: Akkarbakkar)

Why educate daughters if we want to later domesticate them?

My mother is a gynaecologist and my father a BITS Pilani graduate who went on to do exceptionally well in his career. My sister and I were brought up to believe that one should always have one’s education and career to fall back on, whatever course life takes.

So, equipped with my degree in BA English Honours from a reputed college in Delhi University and an MBA as an add-on, I joined the workforce. I had stars in my eyes that I would carve a niche for myself at work and make my parents proud. But Cupid struck and at 24, I was married, with no clue where life was headed.

Thanks to my whirlwind romance, I had no clue what my husband’s expectations of me were as a wife, daughter-in-law and a future mother. Did he expect me to change my name after marriage? Would we settle in India or go abroad? What would happen to my career after our kids were born?
No prizes for guessing then that major discord was waiting to happen in our marriage. Trivial issues gradually started leading to irrefutable differences. And then my daughter was born. My parents were working in Dubai and my in-laws weren’t exactly enthusiastic about helping me bring my daughter up.

All that my upbringing taught me about education and a career were brushed aside and I quit my job. I assumed the role of a full-time homemaker. The entire family chorused and cheered my sacrifice at the altar of marital happiness, because it was considered noble that the woman of the house put aside her dreams for her child, house and husband.

The irony, however, is that I am being pushed by the same family into raising my now 8-year-old daughter to study hard so that she has a stable future to look forward to. It leaves me wondering if this hard work and education are worth it, if she has to eventually prioritise her in-laws, husband, family and child when she gets married.

If, in our society, no professionally successful woman is considered a success if her husband hasn’t given her a certificate of appreciation, if her house is not spick and span, if her kids are not top performers and if her in-laws are not happy with her, then wouldn’t it be better if I train my daughter in the art of housekeeping and let her enjoy her childhood, rather than have academic aspirations for her?

After having given up my true identity in my 11 years of marriage, I now wonder if I was right in wasting my time, energy and mind in pushing through my husband's professional career. I managed to get back to flexi-time work after my daughter turned 2, to revive my dreams. But it’s still a job where I have to juggle work, home and my daughter in equal measure. I was a school topper, extremely good in extracurricular activities and even if I had made half the effort in resurrecting myself and living my dreams unconditionally, I believe I would have outshone my husband.

(Source: Bonobology)

Getting married does not give you two families, it leaves you helpless

It's 3 a.m. I have a cup of coffee by my bedside, half empty. It's not warm enough anymore but I think I'm going to have it anyway. In fact, I think I am going to have one more. I'm sitting up thinking. Wondering. Marriages, I was told, are made in heaven. Why then am I in doubt? Honestly, even Caffeine isn't helping and this kind of situation is rare.

I'm having a hard time choosing what to believe.

That thing about marriage and heaven or the other 'truth' that implies that mistakes don't exist in heaven. Both cannot coexist. It's either one or the other. If I am to believe that really no mistakes exist in heaven (not implying that it's a belief I actually hold), then marriages are most definitely made on Earth. Such a flawed concept could only be a creation of the mankind.

It's simply twisted!

Recently married, I'm still trying to understand some norms and behaviours that most 'seasoned' married women this side have come to terms with. I'm having trouble swallowing those realities, let alone accepting them. From what I've seen, I've realised this one thing:
Marriage is an unfair contract, almost to the point of bonded labour, where the woman appears to be the publicly accepted 'loser' in all sense of the word.

She's expected to give up her family. Her 'new' family comes nowhere close to accepting her as their own. She's expected to give her all to her husband's family while he's allowed to pretend her family never existed. She's expected to devote time to every member and when there's a family decision to be taken, she's very conveniently 'still new to the family'. She's expected to report daily to his mother, make an attempt to nurture relationships with every member because, you know, she's 'still new' and the whole family can't come to her — instead, it's more efficient if she chases twenty people around.

It's the 'S' in the She that makes all the difference.

His sister still wants to have her share of hold over her brother, so the mother-sister duo decide what he does, what he eats and even what he wears! In the midst of the sister's jealousy and mother's uncontrollable urge to keep her son in her pocket, the son's undying (almost blinding) affection for the two, the woman in the marriage is left with no choice but to accept it all if she wants her marriage to last.

If all his problems, his desires, his needs, his discussions are for his mother and sister to share, please remind me what the wife is there for? To cook so he eats healthy? To ensure his clothes are clean, his house is taken care of and his 'other' needs are met? Get him a maid instead!

Oh wait, the wife does it for free!

Now, logically speaking, I'd think if these apply to the woman, the very same load of s*** should apply to the man too, shouldn't it? The man is exempted from all these duties because he's the 'man' and the man doesn't bend (how that helps in nurturing relations with your wife's family, I fail to understand). He will visit her family only when invited and re-invited (basically begged to) but she should chase his family for a damn phone call.

Don't get this wrong: the woman is supposed to bend, clearly, only when she's the wife.

Sometimes, I think, she might want to choke on her decision to marry in the first place. Poor girl was unaware, lost in the thoughts of new clothes, make-up and pretty pictures. And even though her mother probably knew what she was pushing her daughter towards, she wanted to look out for her by keeping her blinded.

As soon as the 'poor girl' was married off and she began to realise these things and questioned all the married people who expressed their joy over her decision to get married, they responded like it's the most normal thing in the world.

No sir it's not okay. I won't be that girl. I'm not okay being that 'loser'.

I cannot get used to this. I will respect his family only as much as he respects mine. I will make only as much of an attempt with his family as he makes with mine. I will not make an effort with anybody who disrespects me. I will only care as much as I am cared for. If my opinions or I am taken to be unimportant, I will become invisible. I will be cordial; I won't be rude until I can't tolerate it anymore. But after a line is crossed, I will walk off and never look back again.

If that means the end of this marriage — so be it. It was never worth the effort in the first place.

No family is more important than the one that has sacrificed all its happiness, needs and desires to fulfil each of mine (certainly not one that demands the sacrifice of my own family). No relationship is more important than my dignity. No marriage is necessary if I'm not one of the two most important people in it, the other being the one I married. I will grab the broken pieces of my life and walk away, and someday, I'll be whole again.

A concept as unjust as this one couldn't have been made in Heaven. If it was, I refuse to believe in the existence of this unfair world called Heaven.

Time for another coffee.

Until I decide to be on the other side.

(Source: Akkarbakkar)

This is why I didn't tell you he was beating me...

Every sentence in this article rings so true and memories gush in, reminding me of the shame I felt and the excuses I always use. Wish I had one such friend who could have felt like the friend of this victim writer. For those of us who are facing a Domestic Violence, most of our behavior can be explained in this one article…

This Is Why I Didn’t Tell You He Was Beating Me

Written by Janice Fuller-Roberts

When I fled my abusive relationship for the last time (yes, I left and went back), one of the first things my well-meaning friends and family asked was why I never told them what was happening to me.

“Why didn’t you say something,” they’d ask, looking concerned and confused.  “I could have helped you. I could have done something!”

And I believe them. Had they known how horrible my life had become, I have no doubt that they would have done their best to help me. But all this happened more than twenty years ago. Today, I’m healed, emotionally healthy, and over it—and have the clarity of hindsight to see that my friends and family would have helped me.

But back then, not so much. Because when you’re in the thick of things, in the middle of a Hell that you’re convinced is of your own making, you can’t see anything clearly. Fear and shame consume you—they’re your constant companions. And when you look at your family and friends, you often can only see judgment and derision. You know their opinions about women who stay in abusive relationships.

Consider this scenario: You have a childhood friend with whom you’ve always been close. Lately, she’s not around as much as she used to be. You assume it’s because she’s all wrapped up in her new relationship. And at first she was. When things were new, she couldn’t get enough of him. They spent nearly every waking moment together.

But back then, you still heard from her—she called you. And even though she mostly just bragged about her new love, it didn’t matter. She was happy.

Then the calls became less frequent. And when you called her, she’d rush off the phone, sounding hurried and distracted. Mutual friends casually mentioned that they hadn’t seen her in a while. “It’s her new guy,” you’d tell each other. “They’re never apart these days.”

Soon you get used to her absence, to not talking to her as often. You miss her, but you don’t want to be that friend who seems like she’s trying to sabotage her new love.

One day you bump into her at the grocery store, and you’re shocked by her appearance. She’d always been so meticulous about how she dressed, especially in public. And now she’s wearing sweat pants—she’d never be caught dead wearing those outside of the house or gym! Yet here she is, not only in sweats, but they’re stained, and she’s wearing a baggy T-shirt, her hair, usually perfectly coiffed, now pulled into a sloppy ponytail. Her fingernails are ragged and unpolished.

She looks tired.

But you’re so happy to see her you pull her into a tight hug. She stiffens in your arms, as though she’s in pain. You let go—surprised. And then you take a really good look at her face.

She won’t meet your eyes.  Her mouth trembles a little, and her lips are chapped. Is that a fading bruise on her cheek? You’re thinking. No, it must be the lighting.

You exchange pleasantries, but you can tell she’s not really engaged in the conversation. You get the feeling that she wants to leave … that she’s not really happy to see you.  You feel uncomfortable, but you can’t exactly put your finger on why.

“How are you?” You ask again, only this time you mean it.

“Fine,” she answers briskly. “Really, I’m fine. Just in a hurry. I need to get home.”

“I won’t keep you, then.”

Something tells you she isn’t fine at all. You have an inexplicable urge to pull her into your arms again, but you don’t. Against your better judgment, you ignore your instincts and send her on her way. And in your gut you know that something is terribly wrong with your once outgoing, vivacious, beautiful friend.

Here’s what you don’t know: Your friend would love nothing more than to fall into your arms and ask for help. But she won’t. She can’t. She’s too ashamed. As awful as you think she looks, she believes she looks even worse. In a relatively short period of time, her boyfriend has gotten into her head and convinced her that she’s ugly, stupid, and worthless.

Your friend no longer puts any effort into her looks because he’ll either accuse her of dressing up for some “other man,” or he’ll just tell her she looks like crap anyway—so there’s no point in trying anymore.  

Sweatpants are her new best friend.

She doesn’t call anymore because she’s embarrassed by her life. That wonderful guy she bragged about in the beginning has turned into a monster. And she knows that if her friends knew how bad things were, they’d think she was just as stupid as he says she is—and maybe she is. After all, she still loves him. So maybe she’s getting exactly what she deserves. At least that’s what she thinks.

You don’t see her as much because that’s what abusers do: They isolate their victims from friends and family. They do it subtly, though. He’d never go so far as to say that she isn’t allowed to see you—that’s too direct and he’s much smarter than that. Instead he manipulates her into staying away by doing things like picking a fight with her when she comes home.  That way, the next time you invite her out, she’ll decline in order to avoid another fight. Or he’ll accuse her of loving her friends more than him. So that she’ll stay home instead of upsetting him. He uses her love for him like a weapon.

And those fights she’s so eager to avoid? “Fight” isn’t exactly the right word, not when she always ends up sprawled on the floor. At first, it was more yelling than anything. She could hold her own back then. She always did have an acid tongue. But then he became cruel, saying things that cut her to her core. And he twisted her words and used them against her.  And all the while, he was playing the wounded one who couldn’t understand how she could treat him so badly when he loved her so much. There were the accusations and recriminations, wild scenarios forged in the deep valleys of his twisted mind. Her smart mouth never stood a chance against his emotional brutality.

By the time the first punch landed on her jaw, her psyche had been beaten to a pulp. And don’t be fooled by the shell of a woman you just saw at the grocery store. She used to fight back. She even got a few good punches in, especially that first time. But he’s stronger than her. Bigger than her. He’s been throwing punches all his life and she never even got a spanking as a child, so she never stood a chance against him physically, either.

You ask yourself, If it’s so bad for her, why didn’t she say something to me? I was right there! We’ve been friends since childhood. Surely she knows that I would help her!

Does she know that, though? Does she really? Or does she look at you, her childhood friend, and remember the time you said, “I don’t understand why women stay with men who hit them”?

Remember when the Ray Rice abuse story first broke, and you all were having drinks? Remember what you said? You said, “If a man beats me once, shame on him; if he beats me twice, shame on me. That woman was an idiot for marrying him after what he did to her in that elevator!”

Your friend remembers those words. And even though she knows you love and support her, she can’t help but wonder how she’d change in your eyes if you knew what was really happening. Understand that she wants desperately to leave her current situation, but doesn’t know how. She may also be convinced her abuser will hurt whoever does try to help her. Remember, he’s in her head, even when he’s not beating her.

Trust your instincts, though. You know your friend. And from that encounter in the store, you know that something is definitely wrong. So please, don’t be afraid to follow up with her.

Start with a phone call. But ease into it: Don’t immediately launch into how you think she’s being abused, or anything like that. If her abuser’s at home when you call, she won’t say anything of substance, anyway. You simply want to convey the message that you’re concerned and want to help. Keep your words loving and gentle—and pressure-free.

Say something like, “I know you’re busy now. But when you have a few minutes to yourself, give me a call. I’m worried about you and want to help. I love you.”  Keep the call brief, but be clear: You’re worried, you want to help, and you love her.

If she doesn’t call back right away, call her again. Keep reaching out to her. Try to reach her when you know she’s alone or at least away from him. Remember, your goal is to help, not endanger her any further.

Be prepared for her denials. Shame, guilt, fear, and even worry for your safety will keep her from opening up to you. Just gently remind her that if she’s in the kind of trouble you suspect, she has no reason to be ashamed. You love and respect her, and just want to help.

The reality is that gentle persuasion may not work. Real intervention, possibly involving law enforcement may be required. If that’s the case, don’t attempt to handle this on your own. Involve other friends and family, and most importantly, seek professional guidance from the experts. Call the National Domestic Hotline at 1-800-779-7233. Let the experts help you help her.

You need to know that an abuse victim leaves her abuser on average seven times before she leaves for good. So, even if your friend leaves this time, she may go back. This is where your friendship will really be tested. You’ll be disappointed and even angry that, after all the work you did to help her escape, she willingly goes back. And your anger is understandable.

But an abuser’s most lethal weapon is his ability to manipulate his victim’s mind. Breaking his hold on your friend will take time, patience, professional help, and a whole lot of hard work on her part. You just have to keep loving and supporting her, even when she disappoints you. 
Try to resist judging her: It will only make things worse.

It’s painful to watch someone you love suffer domestic abuse. It’s also hard to understand why women stay with or return to the men that hurt them. But leaving is far more difficult than people think. Fear, lack of financial resources, and shame are just a few of the reasons women stay (or return). If children are involved, it’s even more complicated. Many women truly have nowhere to go. Shelters fill up fast and are few and far between. And sadly, as far as we’ve come in this country with regards to strengthening laws to protect women, it’s still way too easy for abusers to track down their victims and murder them. So some women just stay, hoping to survive another day.

As friends and supporters of abuse victims, we need to be more educated about the dynamics and mechanics of domestic violence. And most of all, we need to shed our own preconceived notions about the victims. They need our support and empathy. I learned that the hard way. I used to sit in judgment of women who stayed with their abusers, too. And I stayed on that high horse until the man I loved knocked me off with a punch.

- See more at: http://www.damemagazine.com/2014/10/29/why-i-didnt-tell-you-he-was-beating-me#sthash.WeUvSiAX.dpuf

You can never be a perfect daughter-in-law!

Today I came across an article on Akkar Bakkar that shares ideas and opinion similar to those I have for the past eight years. Here you go, enjoy and say if I'm wrong or this article is wrong...

For those of you women who have already started on the nuptial expedition and for the rest of you who are super excited to embark upon this journey but have millions of questions on how do you come out as an all-rounder, in other words be termed and tagged as the Perfect “Daughter in law”, here is a little news flash, you are never going to be that girl, only because you never can! You can always try but you never can be someone who is perfect in the eyes of every flawed human being around you who is happy to judge you with hundreds of different perspectives, on what a perfect Daughter-in-law should be like. Here is why:

1. A typical Indian “Bahu” is supposedly expected to be Dumb not by birth but by choice

Hey now, you must be a double degree holder to be able to hold the hand of her son, but definitely not more educated than him. You should be super smart to teach her grand children, to pay the bills, to manage the house, take care of household expenditures but not smart enough to back answer your in-laws if they are ever wrong.

You are not privileged to have a opinion on your own about anything that is happening in the house, outside the house, something on TV news, nope, just not allowed as it is not your place, it is never your place to comment on anything literally. Independence and constitutional rights are for the country and not for you.

2. Obedience is not a choice, it’s a way of life!

The moment the mangalsutra is tied around your neck, you are expected to be obedient by default. You obey your husband, your in-laws, your society, your husbands’ relatives and sometimes even the kids in your husband’s family. You obey and obey and obey until the end of time and still somewhere down the line you better get ready to be whipped, scrutinized and screwed if you accidentally fail to obey a tiny detail of an order given to you. This country will expect this type of obedience from you because you signed up to be a Daughter-in-law, and what does a good Daughter-in-law do? She obeys!

3. You become a living fountain of love, affection and selflessness

You are bound to keep a smile on your face 24*7, no matter what has gone wrong with the world. You always smile! Your smile apparently is where your in-laws family respect, dignity and decorum hang. You could have had a massive fight with your husband the previous evening, your in-laws could have made a sarcastic comment about something you cooked that could have made you upset, you can have any kind of physical ailment or it can be bloody PMS that has kept you feeling a little bit off lately but guess what! You don’t smile and the world is going to know that you are not happy in your in-laws’ house, you are suddenly moody, absurd, a loner and you know what that means — you are not a perfect “Bahu” material.

4. You are literally ranked next to Saints and Mythical goddesses

You thought you were just Daddy’s pampered smothered in love, little princess and somebody ties a thread around your neck and all of a sudden BOOM, you are expected to be a goddamn saint with no likes, ambitions, desires of your own. You are expected to adjust to the people around you, constantly making compromises on what you want but not with a frown, instead willingly and happily, you care for everybody around you except YOURSELF. Also, last but not the least you literally become a perfect clone of Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi and Mother India or you just can’t be the perfect Bahu!

5. Home is work

Are you ambitious about being successful in your career and then you thought like may be some day I want to get married and try my hand at both – taking care of your family as well as being successful career-wise! If that’s what you thought then you are wrong in the eyes of your in-laws and this society. You can be a good bahu only if you stay at home, take care of your family and do household chores; as being a full-time homemaker is the only job that a Bahu is allowed to take up. If you go out of the house, you apparently are less caring towards your family, you suddenly become disobedient, selfish, arrogant, you lack in your duties as a good wife and as a good mom. You bring your work home every day and thus the children don’t get enough attention. A woman going to work today is unsafe for any woman in this country as rapists are on the loose 24*7.

Also, what kind of husband sends his wife off to work and lets her earn – the incompetent one probably and the one that can’t make enough money to take care of his family, last but not the least a woman who works won’t respect her husband and her in-laws and thus shouldn’t be allowed the privilege of taking up a job. These are some of the very valuable points that many families very comfortably list out as valid reasons for not letting their talented and highly educated Daughter-in-laws not go to work.

Now can you be that girl?

Let me the rephrase the question! Do you want to be that girl? Even if you want to make your loved ones happy, even if you want to make sure that the sweet smile in your husband’s face never disappears, even if you care so deeply about hearing that one golden sentence – “You are not our Daughter-in-law but our Daughter” and if it means the world to you to be tagged as the “Perfect Daughter in Law of the Century”. Do you really think, going through all of the above is even worth the run?

You are as much of a human being as anybody else with desires, hopes, dreams and ambitions. Why would you want to give up on any of that? Here is the worst case scenario, while you are in the race to please everyone around you and make sure that you never dishearten anyone at any point of time, imagine you take a moment to look back at your journey; can you really tell that there won’t be any regrets at all? Life waits for nobody, you get to live it once, the only person you need to please is you and if you are doing that on a day to day basis then give yourself some credit because you are on the right track my friend.

Nothing pays off better than being you and enjoying doing that. Everything from Marriage to Divorce is way over-rated in this country. Don’t let yourself down with what the society thinks of you, don’t give them that satisfaction! Don’t let people stereotype you as a perfect Bahueven if it sounds like a compliment at first, because it has been impossible for women over years to live up to it even if they were at some point tagged as one!

You can be a married woman and still be a horrible Bahu and that is perfectly, completely and a 100% fine in an imperfect world such as the one that we live in today, so relax!

Be proud of the Daughter-in-law that you are, that’s all that matters, everything else is background noise.

Source: http://akkarbakkar.com/will-never-perfect-daughter-law-country-dont-even-try/

10 horrible things a mother-in-law always says

10 Horrible Things Every Indian Married Woman Has Heard From Her Mother-In-Law Once In Her Life

Just can't stop loving this website Akkar Bakkar. Here's one more, enjoy. Most of us, including me, have heard such dialogues from mother-in-law! 

There was a reason why Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi went on for over eight years in this country. It was the longest-running, biggest grossing serial in India once upon a time. The point is however modern we may have become as a society today, some things just never change, because they are just so deep rooted in our blood that it’s difficult to throw those habits out of the window now. One such horrible habit that India possesses is — curse of the mummy ji. It is depressing to even start thinking about what some females go through who are married into an Indian joint family. She must really run for her life.

This is just a small glimpse of the crucial relationship that a girl shares with her mother-in-law in India. Still! It’s shameful but true. Here are a few statements that every Indian daughter-in-law has heard at least once in her lifetime from her monster-in-law that’s made her hate her saas:

1. “You are the luckiest woman in the world to not only marry my son but also gain entry into such a prestigious family.”

What she means: You should thank God every single day! I am not sure why my son decided to even look at you considering you are not that pretty even. He is so handsome and good-looking while you are plain. Even his complexion is fairer than yours! And on top of that he has an Engineering degree. So what if he passed out in the bottom 5% and you in the top 5%?

2. “My son should be coming any minute from work now. He must be so tired.”

What she means: Imagine driving all the way to work, sitting in front of a computer and dealing with so many people and then driving all the way back. He must be under so much stress and feeling so hungry. I think you should change quickly and start preparing his dinner right away so that it will be hot and ready when he gets back home. Maybe you should first put away the groceries you shopped for on your way back from work which is just 20 miles away from home and all you have to do is talk to this person!

3. “Your daughter’s good looks, long hair, big eyes, sharp nose, smart brain, tall legs, dimple on the cheek and lastly but most importantly her fair complexion comes from my side of the family.”

What she means: Your daughter’s attitude, independence, forthrightness, stubbornness and everything seemingly  negative comes from YOUR side of the family.

4. “My daughter does all the work in her house. Her husband rarely helps. She has to cook, clean, do groceries, take care of the kids, look after the house and everything else.”

What she means: My poor daughter works so hard. Oh how she suffers! You are so lucky to have a husband who washes his coffee mug and picks his dish up after eating everyday.

5. “So what if I asked for your opinion? Having an opinion does not mean that you have one that goes against mine!”

What she means: Shut up!

6. “So what if you cook, clean, shop and take care of everything around the house. This house is yours, so you are doing no one a favour.”

What she means: Woe on you if you so much as insinuate that this house belongs to you. This house belongs to my son and he belongs to ME! The housework though belongs to you.

7. “Why would you need a maid to help you?”

What she means: So what if you work, have three kids, your husband and in-laws to take care of and can also pay the maid with your money. You should be independent enough to do your work by yourself. I do think we need to hire someone to do the lawn mowing my son does once every month. Now, that’s hard work!

8. “Your parents are visiting?”

What she means: Why do your parents feel the need to visit once every decade? Don’t they know your in-laws live with you?

9. “Don’t know why you have to insist on eating out once every week. The food isn’t good and is way too expensive.”

What she means: It’s so much better to eat at home — the food that you shop for, cook, serve and though it may be too salty for my taste, it’s after all home-cooked!

10. “We used to work so hard in our times.”

What she means: Women these days are so spoilt. All they want to do is look good, pursue a career and take care of themselves. How selfish can one be?

Source: http://akkarbakkar.com/10-horrible-things-every-indian-married-woman-has-heard-from-her-mother-in-law-once-in-her-life/