Thursday 8 January 2015

A letter to my son

Dear Sid,

You must be wondering why I’m writing this when you are only little over 3-month-old, I’m sure you’ll love this letter. I wanted to write this when you came into this world, but I got so engrossed in figuring out how to be a mother – how to feed you, how to change your diapers, how to handle you, how to keep you warm and happy… Don’t think that I have already become a perfect mom… I’m yet to figure out this parenting thing 100%. But I’ve learnt one thing: I was never truly ready to be a mother and so I’m just giving time for myself to become the best and allow the rest to happen as it happens! 

Let me be frank with you, son. As I said before I’m still new at this parenting thing. I read books, I google facts, I ask friends and relatives, but still I have no idea what your cries mean. It makes me cry when your lip quivers and tears stream down your cheeks when you are hungry and I make you wait a few more minutes to feed you or when you get mad at bath time as you don’t like getting wet. I’m still finding new ways to entertain you and question every decision I make. I’m sure we will get the hang of each other very soon.

Here I am looking at your beautiful little face – a face so unique, yet so familiar. I knew your face instantly when I first looked at you in the operation theatre, as if I have always known you. I was in love with your innocent, cute face right away and wanted to do everything I could to protect you, keep you safe, warm and happy.

I love to hold you in my arms always and as I watch you sleeping, I feel welling up with such love for you that it’s something like my heart would burst anytime. I can spend endless time, all day long just looking at your little face, staring at your perfect little features. 
I love to watch your assortment of facial expressions – when you pout your lips, when you roll your eyes back, when you frown and furrow your brows, when you make sucking motions and when you smile even in your sleep. Your cute little squeaks, more or less a routine these days, have never failed to bring a big smile on my face. Your face returning to a peaceful angelic sleeping state has always amused me. 

Every night I hold you in my arms, you sleep so quietly that I just forget the world around me, with all your little movements and squeaks. It thrills me to see you open your tiny eyes and look at me curiously. I feel like you are studying my face to get to know me. I often get surprised how you recognize my voice so early! 

Friends have always told me that the love of a mother for her baby is the deepest one she’ll ever have and now I realize what does that mean. I can’t describe it – my love for you is pure and unconditional.   

You are slowly showing your own personality, you are so much like me and so much like your dad, a perfect blend of both… I’m delighted to learn about you and so excited to know you better.

I can be a hard mom sometimes – just ask your dad – but when I look at your little face – such innocent, pure and unspoiled – I just melt. Often I wonder if I really produced something so beautiful. 

As your Ajji often says, you are a miracle, a gift and a blessing for me. I am different now. Having you in my life has changed me. From the moment I saw your little cute face, I’m not who I am – a new, a better person has evolved!  

After you came into our life, my life has a whole new meaning. I’m a mother now and you come first. Each and every second I think about you, I worry about you and constantly keep checking if you are fine. I fail to fall fully asleep as I’m thinking about you.

Let me tell you about your dada. He is the most amazing person I’ve ever had the privilege to know and live with. As you grow you’ll also realize how lucky you are to have such a wonderful dad. To be honest, he was hoping for a girl when we found it’s you! But when I see him with you, I assure you that he wouldn’t have possibly loved you any more if you were a girl.

As a mom, I have a huge responsibility and I hope I’ll never let you down. When you came into this world, all I knew was something big and great in our life had happened, but I didn’t understand the scope of my responsibilities then. I do now... 

I have realised that the role I’d play in your life is paramount in how you will develop and grow as a person. As a mom, I’d be perhaps the most influential person, after your dad, you will know in your life and I don’t take this responsibility lightly. 

I promise to do all that I can do to prepare you to face the world. I promise that I’ll never desert you – I’ll be there for you always, no matter what you have to face as you grow up. I may not give you what you want, but I’ll try to do my best to give what you need. I love you and your dad more than you will ever know – you both are my treasures.  

I know it’s your life, but whatever you do never settle for anything less than what you deserve. Have enough self-worth so that you never become an easy victim and have enough character so that you’ll never bully others. Be comfy in your own skin, it will bring you real joy in life.

As you grow up, there will be days when I’ll be mad at you, but know one thing: my love for you is constant – it’s my right, not a privilege. It’ll be yours till I die and beyond. 

I’ll apologize to you whenever I err, as I want you to know that there is great strength and grace in saying “I’m sorry” and I mean it. I’ll assure that I’d never say lies to you, but don’t forget that I have the right to adapt the truth and exclude some info.

I hope you’ll also go through a defiant phase like me and your dada, when you bet your independence and claim your own voice, even if that means being rebel, standing against us and our wish – I’m writing this because you can shove this in my face if I ever deny permitting such insolence. 

You’re always welcome to come to me with the big issues and hope you’re always up for learning. I’ll try to infuse good values so that you can be proud, firm, positive, spiritual and thoughtful. I won’t be just your mama, but a best friend as you dig and try to learn more about life and the world.

I’ll be your biggest supporter and your guide as you travel through life, and I’ll let go a little every year as I can’t have you as my baby boy forever – but I’ll trust the man me and your dada  have raised you to be. I hope your respect for women will be the same as the respect you have for me, and be strong-willed and not easily swayed by those who don’t have your best interest at heart. 

You have impacted our lives, my love – that’s how special you are, my big boy, that’s how grand. As your Ajji said you are a miracle. I look forward to the journey that you, your dada and I’ll travel together. Along the way, we’ll cherish each moment as time will pass very quickly.

I hope you’ll never ever doubt how much you mean to me. You’re my gift from god and I’ll cherish you forever.

Loads of love,