Dear Sid,
You must be wondering why I’m writing this when you
are only little over 3-month-old, I’m sure you’ll love this letter. I wanted to
write this when you came into this world, but I got so engrossed in figuring
out how to be a mother – how to feed you, how to change your diapers, how to
handle you, how to keep you warm and happy… Don’t think that I have already
become a perfect mom… I’m yet to figure out this parenting thing 100%. But I’ve
learnt one thing: I was never truly ready to be a mother and so I’m just giving
time for myself to become the best and allow the rest to happen as it happens!
Let me be frank with you, son. As I said before I’m
still new at this parenting thing. I read books, I google facts, I ask friends
and relatives, but still I have no idea what your cries mean. It makes me cry
when your lip quivers and tears stream down your cheeks when you are hungry and
I make you wait a few more minutes to feed you or when you get mad at bath time
as you don’t like getting wet. I’m still finding new ways to entertain you and
question every decision I make. I’m sure we will get the hang of each other
very soon.
Here I am looking at your beautiful little face – a
face so unique, yet so familiar. I knew your face instantly when I first looked
at you in the operation theatre, as if I have always known you. I was in love
with your innocent, cute face right away and wanted to do everything I could to
protect you, keep you safe, warm and happy.
I love to hold you in my arms always and as I watch
you sleeping, I feel welling up with such love for you that it’s something like
my heart would burst anytime. I can spend endless time, all day long just
looking at your little face, staring at your perfect little features.
I love to watch your assortment of facial
expressions – when you pout your lips, when you roll your eyes back, when you
frown and furrow your brows, when you make sucking motions and when you smile
even in your sleep. Your cute little squeaks, more or less a routine these
days, have never failed to bring a big smile on my face. Your face returning to
a peaceful angelic sleeping state has always amused me.
Every night I hold you in my arms, you sleep so
quietly that I just forget the world around me, with all your little movements
and squeaks. It thrills me to see you open your tiny eyes and look at me
curiously. I feel like you are studying my face to get to know me. I often get
surprised how you recognize my voice so early!
Friends have always told me that the love of a
mother for her baby is the deepest one she’ll ever have and now I realize what does
that mean. I can’t describe it – my love for you is pure and unconditional.
You are slowly showing your own personality, you are
so much like me and so much like your dad, a perfect blend of both… I’m
delighted to learn about you and so excited to know you better.
I can be a hard mom sometimes – just ask your dad –
but when I look at your little face – such innocent, pure and unspoiled – I
just melt. Often I wonder if I really produced something so beautiful.
As your Ajji often says, you are a miracle, a gift
and a blessing for me. I am different now. Having you in my life has changed
me. From the moment I saw your little cute face, I’m not who I am – a new, a
better person has evolved!
After you came into our life, my life has a whole
new meaning. I’m a mother now and you come first. Each and every second I think
about you, I worry about you and constantly keep checking if you are fine. I
fail to fall fully asleep as I’m thinking about you.
Let me tell you about your dada. He is the most
amazing person I’ve ever had the privilege to know and live with. As you grow
you’ll also realize how lucky you are to have such a wonderful dad. To be honest,
he was hoping for a girl when we found it’s you! But when I see him with you, I
assure you that he wouldn’t have possibly loved you any more if you were a
girl.
As a mom, I have a huge responsibility and I hope
I’ll never let you down. When you came into this world, all I knew was
something big and great in our life had happened, but I didn’t understand the
scope of my responsibilities then. I do now...
I have realised that the role I’d play in your life
is paramount in how you will develop and grow as a person. As a mom, I’d be
perhaps the most influential person, after your dad, you will know in your life
and I don’t take this responsibility lightly.
I promise to do all that I can do to prepare you to
face the world. I promise that I’ll never desert you – I’ll be there for you always,
no matter what you have to face as you grow up. I may not give you what you
want, but I’ll try to do my best to give what you need. I love you and your dad
more than you will ever know – you both are my treasures.
I know it’s your life, but whatever you do never
settle for anything less than what you deserve. Have enough self-worth so that
you never become an easy victim and have enough character so that you’ll never
bully others. Be comfy in your own skin, it will bring you real joy in life.
As you grow up, there will be days when I’ll be mad
at you, but know one thing: my love for you is constant – it’s my right, not a
privilege. It’ll be yours till I die and beyond.
I’ll apologize to you whenever I err, as I want you
to know that there is great strength and grace in saying “I’m sorry” and I mean
it. I’ll assure that I’d never say lies to you, but don’t forget that I have
the right to adapt the truth and exclude some info.
I hope you’ll also go through a defiant phase like
me and your dada, when you bet your independence and claim your own voice, even
if that means being rebel, standing against us and our wish – I’m writing this
because you can shove this in my face if I ever deny permitting such insolence.
You’re always welcome to come to me with the big
issues and hope you’re always up for learning. I’ll try to infuse good values so
that you can be proud, firm, positive, spiritual and thoughtful. I won’t be
just your mama, but a best friend as you dig and try to learn more about life
and the world.
I’ll be your biggest supporter and your guide as you
travel through life, and I’ll let go a little every year as I can’t have you as
my baby boy forever – but I’ll trust the man me and your dada have raised you to be. I hope your respect
for women will be the same as the respect you have for me, and be strong-willed
and not easily swayed by those who don’t have your best interest at heart.
You have impacted our lives, my love – that’s how
special you are, my big boy, that’s how grand. As your Ajji said you are a
miracle. I look forward to the journey that you, your dada and I’ll travel
together. Along the way, we’ll cherish each moment as time will pass very
quickly.
I hope you’ll never ever doubt how much you mean to
me. You’re my gift from god and I’ll cherish you forever.
Loads of love,
Mama
